One Year

Daniel left one year ago today.  One year ago today we woke early and cuddled together on the couch while watching an episode of Spartacus together.  We had coffee and tried very hard to pretend that we weren't afraid of the hours, days, months and year to come.  We loaded the car with his suitcase, then drove to my mother in laws where Daniel said a difficult goodbye to Hazel and Julian, as we didn't want to take them to the airport and put them through the drama of watching him board a plane and truly leave; it felt easier to leave them in the distracting care of cousins, gramma, and Auntie.  We then picked up my mom and her husband and with Carver drove to the airport.  My post from April 11 goes into a little more detail about that amazingness of Delta Airlines and our time at the airport  http://sabrinasarmylife.blogspot.com/2012/04/great-is-thy-faithfulness.html.  It was a hard goodbye and as much as I tried to not even consider it, I remember memorizing his face, his mannerisms, his voice, his everything for "just in case."  Still today, I can close my eyes and see him standing at the gate, his backpack slung over his shoulder, giving me a last look before boarding, a look that seemed to say, "I never wanted this for us" and maybe even "I'm sorry."

That was a year ago today.  I try to think back over everything that has happened in that time and am overwhelmed, both with good and challenging.  I am so much more independent now that I ever dreamed of being before.  The kids and I have come a long way in adjusting, and Daniel and I have grown separately and grown together.  I am proud of myself, proud of my children, SO SO proud of my husband.  And I am Thankful.  My word, am I thankful.  To family that took me in weekend after weekend when I needed loving voices in earshot, companions surrounding me, other mothers as watchful eyes to my babies when my own eyes were too tired.  To family that scooped up my older two many a night and distracted them with fun activities and sleepovers while I rested and recuperated with Carver.  Friends who listened while I whined, complained, boo-hoo'd, woe'd is me, and pouted.  Friends who were always up to grabbing a drink and lending an ear.  I am thankful for my husband, who was patient as I rode various waves of emotion - anger, jealousy, uncertainty, fear, triumph.  Julian, who acted as the little man in our house even though I never meant to ask it of him.  Many a times he has helped me and been so brave, so big, so far beyond his six or seven years, always forgiving me for my shortcomings.  Hazel, who had a big year of changes in trying to figure out how to cope in this big, big world.  She is (for the most part) such a delight these days and so far from the little girl who would throw fits every few minutes (oh, I think back on those months and want to weep for the difficulty of it all; I thought we would never see the other side of it!).  For Carv, who is growing up with just a mother now and knows very little else, but has a big heart and will welcome and adore his Daddy.  For God.  For allowing my husband to survive, for allowing all of us to survive, in every sense of the word.  For helping us to grow, for forgiving me in my doubt and fear, for loving me in my ugliness, for making us new every single day.


We still aren't done.  Daniel is still in Afghanistan for a few more weeks, maybe even another month or so.  But there is a light at the end of the tunnel that flickers and winks when I start to feel overwhelmed, and I am thrilled at the closeness of making it through.  We have made it a year.  God, let us finish strong and safe and in joy.