I hoped, prayed and begged that this week would come, and all along, while praying, and begging, and hoping, I suspected that it would be a week that would drag on forever. Like the week before Christmas, or the week before vacation, or the week before the due date of your third child who is pressing heavily on your sciatic nerve and keeping you awake with bathroom breaks and baby hiccups...yeah, like that one. A day feels like a week, and the week itself feels like it will go on for AT LEAST a month. And all the while I keep telling myself, "You've already survived 35 weeks of him being gone; what's one more?" Ugh, it feels like everything.
I think what I hate the most about the entire "waiting" process is that I don't know exactly what it is that I'm waiting for. Well, I know WHAT it is I'm waiting for - a dramatic spectacle of a reunion in the middle of the airport, an emotional rejoining of my husband with my children, a much-needed vacation as a family, just one full night of sleep since having Carv, and doing something more exciting than folding clothes in the bedroom. ;)
Ok, so back to waiting - Daniel is currently at Bagram Airfield, and then has two more steps before making it to Pitt. His goal, our goal, is for him to make it on the 14th - sooner will send him back too closely to Christmas and later, well, later just sucks. And we go on vacay on Tuesday, so some down time before then would be nice. So all the stars, airplanes, and time-zones must align to get Daniel on an available plane when need be. All of this being said, my controlling side is in misery that I don't have a concrete plan for the next week, except that tomorrow and Wednesday morning I'm completing my last two days of student teaching...unless D comes home early...then I'm skipping.
Student teaching...heavens, I can't believe I've come to the end. I'm a little heartbroken, and surprised to be so. I'm going to miss my seniors. I'm going to miss starting out each day with a clear mission in mind. I'm going to miss that feeling of WORTH. However, it isn't all bad. I'm excited to sleep past 5am again, and excited to spend more time with my children than the daycare teachers do. Oh, and that whole graduation and the prospect of a paying job in the future is exciting.
So that's where we are right now. In limbo, waiting. After all, it wouldn't seem right if we weren't yielding all of our plans for this Army life.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
It's always surprising to me when my ache to have him home with us suddenly collides with my fear for him, and it all takes my breath away. It's the worst when he's on mission - those moments happen often then. Tonight I was doing that thing I try really hard not to do - peeking out through my front door window to be sure that the car parked across the street wasn't holding a uniformed officer that was about to bring me the worst news of my life - sometimes I'm really dramatic. When the car drove off and I thought I had my bearings, I turned from the door and my eyes met Daniel's wedding ring, hanging on the carabiner by the front door where he'd left it 6 1/2 months ago for safe keeping. Tonight, for whatever reason, I just had to hold it. And in that moment, I could see it on his finger, and I needed to have that hand in mine. I slipped the ring off of the carabiner and pushed it onto my thumb. I have a feeling it's found a new home for now. Little moments like this will suddenly overwhelm me, and then it will be over, and I'll move on through my day, or in this case my evening, until the next moment strikes.
The last six weeks of student teaching have gone in a whirlwind. Which is good; I was hoping life would sail by once I started. I have only 9 weeks to go, and then D will be home for RandR!!! Today I booked our mini family vacay for while he's home. It felt good to plan something with his presence in mind.
Carver is growing like crazy and loving daycare, even despite all of the germs he's collecting. The poor baby is on steroids for croup now. But he's still his happy self, and he's been sharing a room with J for a week now. Julian seems to enjoy having a roomie, and Carv is sleeping great in there - and I'm sleeping great in my room!
Julian feels mostly unconcerned about school. He neither loves it or hates it. Hazel says she dislikes preschool, and she spent the first few weeks crying everyday. Now she just whines about it, but she always comes home happy. The adjustments have been the hardest on her, and I try to keep that in mind amongst her fits and tantrums. This too shall pass...
God, protect him always.
The last six weeks of student teaching have gone in a whirlwind. Which is good; I was hoping life would sail by once I started. I have only 9 weeks to go, and then D will be home for RandR!!! Today I booked our mini family vacay for while he's home. It felt good to plan something with his presence in mind.
Carver is growing like crazy and loving daycare, even despite all of the germs he's collecting. The poor baby is on steroids for croup now. But he's still his happy self, and he's been sharing a room with J for a week now. Julian seems to enjoy having a roomie, and Carv is sleeping great in there - and I'm sleeping great in my room!
Julian feels mostly unconcerned about school. He neither loves it or hates it. Hazel says she dislikes preschool, and she spent the first few weeks crying everyday. Now she just whines about it, but she always comes home happy. The adjustments have been the hardest on her, and I try to keep that in mind amongst her fits and tantrums. This too shall pass...
God, protect him always.
Monday, September 3, 2012
That Thing that Makes the Tears Comes
It's been a long week, and a rough weekend! Last Monday I began my student teaching at my Alma-mater. It was a great week in that I LOVE the potential of everything ahead of me. I'm enjoying "playing" teacher right now, and I'm excited to get into taking over the classes. I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of it all, but I feel that I'll pour myself into it, knowing that this will directly mold my future with Daniel and the kids.
Oh, Daniel. How I miss that man! I thought that being busy might help distract me, and it does while I'm moving, but at night, when the calmness settles around me and exhaustion sets in, I miss him and ache for him like never before. Making the situation worse, changes are being made with the details of his deployment and he will be unable to contact me for long periods of time for the foreseeable future. That's an incredibly hard concept to swallow, as we have been so spoiled in our communication. We have talked, in one way or another, at least every couple days, if not more. Talking on the phone, chatting on FB, skyping and even emailing all made him feel so much closer than the other side of the world. I'm praying that this lack of contact will be short-lived.
Thursday afternoon I picked Carv up from daycare with the sniffles. Now let me just say that Carver and Hazel have NEVER been in daycare until this last week, and Julian was there as a young toddler, but only b/c I was also working there at the daycare. So having them there, especially Carver, is difficult. Anyway, the baby comes home with the sniffles and I just know that he obviously got it from daycare, but what are you going to do? We all have to build up our immunities, and that's to be expected. Then, around 10 that night, Carv gets really fussy and won't go back to sleep. Then the fever comes, and it stays...and stays and stays and stays. Finally, at 2am, a cool bath broke it, and he fell asleep. When he rewoke at 430 the fever was back, and I knew daycare wouldn't take him with a fever. I made a really difficult decision to call my cooperating teacher and let her know that I wasn't going to be able to go in. She was so incredible about it, and I know it's another BIG "small" way that God is taking care of us.
Because I have to pay for Hazel whether she's at daycare or not, I took her in, got Julian onto the bus, and came home and called my Aunt Sue, who happened to be home that day. She and my uncle gladly took my sick little bubba, and I made it to school before lunch, only missing one class. My cooperating teacher was impressed, and I am so GRATEFUL to my aunt and uncle!!!
The rest of the weekend was a blur of Hazel and I additionally getting sick, and we ended up crashing at my aunt and uncle's all weekend, letting them take care of all of us. My aunt made us homemade chicken noodle soup and took care of Carver, my mother in law let me sleep in while she woke up with C, and my mom took the older two last night, and Carv and I got lots of rest. What could have been a HORRID weekend was saved by my amazing family. I am so incredibly blessed!!!
Tonight, after things had calmed down and I was getting dinner ready for the kids, I finally shed my tears. I hadn't cried in the middle of the night Thursday when I was beyond exhausted and my poor little baby was sicker than I had ever seen a baby. I didn't cry when, after just two hours of sleep, I crawled out of bed and figured out all by myself how to get everyone where they needed to be. I didn't cry when my Aunt Sue took Carver without any hesitation and cared for him like he was her own. I didn't cry when my own fever crept in, right along with Hazel's. I didn't cry when my mother in law let me sleep in the next morning and rocked the baby to sleep that night so I could have a break. I didn't cry when my mom took the older two, making my burden all the lighter. I didn't cry when Carver learned to give kisses without me. I didn't cry when Aunt Sue made me homemade chicken noodle soup. I didn't even cry when Daniel told me he was moving and I wouldn't talk to him for perhaps weeks - Heavens knows I wanted to. But tonight, when I asked Julian what he wanted for dinner, I cried. My little J said, "Whatever Hazel wants. I want it to be easy for you." Oh my sweet baby. That boy takes weight on for me in ways I don't realize, and he takes care of me. I love that boy. Oh, how I pray I'm not screwing him up.
Tomorrow we start a new week, perhaps not hearing from Daniel. But we'll be ok, because God has shown Himself as faithful.
Oh, Daniel. How I miss that man! I thought that being busy might help distract me, and it does while I'm moving, but at night, when the calmness settles around me and exhaustion sets in, I miss him and ache for him like never before. Making the situation worse, changes are being made with the details of his deployment and he will be unable to contact me for long periods of time for the foreseeable future. That's an incredibly hard concept to swallow, as we have been so spoiled in our communication. We have talked, in one way or another, at least every couple days, if not more. Talking on the phone, chatting on FB, skyping and even emailing all made him feel so much closer than the other side of the world. I'm praying that this lack of contact will be short-lived.
Thursday afternoon I picked Carv up from daycare with the sniffles. Now let me just say that Carver and Hazel have NEVER been in daycare until this last week, and Julian was there as a young toddler, but only b/c I was also working there at the daycare. So having them there, especially Carver, is difficult. Anyway, the baby comes home with the sniffles and I just know that he obviously got it from daycare, but what are you going to do? We all have to build up our immunities, and that's to be expected. Then, around 10 that night, Carv gets really fussy and won't go back to sleep. Then the fever comes, and it stays...and stays and stays and stays. Finally, at 2am, a cool bath broke it, and he fell asleep. When he rewoke at 430 the fever was back, and I knew daycare wouldn't take him with a fever. I made a really difficult decision to call my cooperating teacher and let her know that I wasn't going to be able to go in. She was so incredible about it, and I know it's another BIG "small" way that God is taking care of us.
Because I have to pay for Hazel whether she's at daycare or not, I took her in, got Julian onto the bus, and came home and called my Aunt Sue, who happened to be home that day. She and my uncle gladly took my sick little bubba, and I made it to school before lunch, only missing one class. My cooperating teacher was impressed, and I am so GRATEFUL to my aunt and uncle!!!
The rest of the weekend was a blur of Hazel and I additionally getting sick, and we ended up crashing at my aunt and uncle's all weekend, letting them take care of all of us. My aunt made us homemade chicken noodle soup and took care of Carver, my mother in law let me sleep in while she woke up with C, and my mom took the older two last night, and Carv and I got lots of rest. What could have been a HORRID weekend was saved by my amazing family. I am so incredibly blessed!!!
Tonight, after things had calmed down and I was getting dinner ready for the kids, I finally shed my tears. I hadn't cried in the middle of the night Thursday when I was beyond exhausted and my poor little baby was sicker than I had ever seen a baby. I didn't cry when, after just two hours of sleep, I crawled out of bed and figured out all by myself how to get everyone where they needed to be. I didn't cry when my Aunt Sue took Carver without any hesitation and cared for him like he was her own. I didn't cry when my own fever crept in, right along with Hazel's. I didn't cry when my mother in law let me sleep in the next morning and rocked the baby to sleep that night so I could have a break. I didn't cry when my mom took the older two, making my burden all the lighter. I didn't cry when Carver learned to give kisses without me. I didn't cry when Aunt Sue made me homemade chicken noodle soup. I didn't even cry when Daniel told me he was moving and I wouldn't talk to him for perhaps weeks - Heavens knows I wanted to. But tonight, when I asked Julian what he wanted for dinner, I cried. My little J said, "Whatever Hazel wants. I want it to be easy for you." Oh my sweet baby. That boy takes weight on for me in ways I don't realize, and he takes care of me. I love that boy. Oh, how I pray I'm not screwing him up.
Tomorrow we start a new week, perhaps not hearing from Daniel. But we'll be ok, because God has shown Himself as faithful.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Blah Blah Blah
I am in a big time slump. I'm not really sure where it came from; it just suddenly seemed to sneak up and drag me to the very bottom of the barrel to hide out until it's over. Until what's over? Yeah, I'm not really sure. I'm going to have to come up for air long before this deployment is over, far before school starts, and even before the end of the week - by morning would be convenient.
My first clue that my slump was coming was my longing to just stay in fricken bed. I have no motivation for anything. I don't want to exercise. I certainly don't want to eat right. I don't want to brush Hazel's hair. I don't want to grocery shop. I don't want to put the dishes in the dishwasher. I don't even want to shower. I just want to be. I'm even having a hard time talking with Daniel on the phone. I miss him so, so much, and yet when he calls, I don't have much to say, and just talking seems like a chore. Again, not because I don't want to, but b/c it just feels overwhelming.
Hoping tomorrow is a better day...
My first clue that my slump was coming was my longing to just stay in fricken bed. I have no motivation for anything. I don't want to exercise. I certainly don't want to eat right. I don't want to brush Hazel's hair. I don't want to grocery shop. I don't want to put the dishes in the dishwasher. I don't even want to shower. I just want to be. I'm even having a hard time talking with Daniel on the phone. I miss him so, so much, and yet when he calls, I don't have much to say, and just talking seems like a chore. Again, not because I don't want to, but b/c it just feels overwhelming.
Hoping tomorrow is a better day...
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Prone To Wander
"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love!"
Oh, I am so prone to wander. I am so prone to be so consumed in all my troubles that they overwhelm me, they sink me, and I wander into a dangerous land. I wander into the land of "it isn't fair" and "I deserve better!" Oh, what a dangerous place to visit, and what an even more dangerous place to stay over! I tried to keep my visit short this time, only wallowing in the cave of self-pity for a short time.
I need to try to recognize more often how lucky and blessed I am. Today was a friend's bridal shower, and I am one of her bridesmaids. It was a really busy weekend, and I often felt like I was running and running to keep up with everything. I missed Carver terribly, as though he was with me, I wasn't getting any cuddle time in. All that said, I could NOT have made it through without my mom. She was so helpful with the kids. She took Hazel and J last night for me, and today at the shower she watched both Hazel and Carv, while Harold was so wonderful to keep J. Then, she brought them home for me so that I could stay and help clean up.
This past week, my mother in law gave me three hours of sleeping in one morning as my "father's day" gift. It was wonderful! Plus, she kept Carver in the evening so that I could do some shopping for the shower.
My cousin Samantha was a wonderful help, helping out with the kids, going with me while I ran them back and forth to VBS, and even keeping me company one night and then cleaning up my house the next morning. I have SO much help!!!, so why is it so easy for Satan to sweep in and knock my legs out from under me?
In addition to all the help I receive, I'm also grateful for my kids. It is so, so easy for me to complain about them, and it's even easier for me to dwell on the responsibility that is wrapped up with each one of them. I'm going to make a conscious effort this week to FOCUS on the amazingness of my kids. The way they make me laugh, the things they teach me, the joy that they are. This year would undoubtedly be easier if I had no children, but it would also be lonelier and would drag by terribly.
"Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above!"
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Overwhelmed
When I started this blog, I thought it would be a great venue to vent, to share, and to mark our story as we trudge through it. I've found, though, that I've been really careful about what exactly I say and what mood I am in before I write. I guess that really isn't giving a clear portrayal, though, so tonight I'm going to vent a little.
The Kids
I'm really struggling. I feel like I'm in way over my head, and it's only going to get worse. The kids are burning me out, or maybe have burnt me out. Hazel especially. I have never in my life met such a demanding child. I love her so, so much, but 95% of the time parenting her makes me want to just cry. She is so mean to me, she is so needy, she is so difficult, she is so EXHAUSTING!!! Carver is an amazing baby, and most of the time he is really, really good. But he is, after all, a baby, which has demands all its own. He still gets up at least three times a night, sometimes more, and I feel like if I could just get three straight hours of uninterrupted sleep just a few times in a row I just might be ok. And poor Julian, in all the demands to the other two, gets shoved to the background. He doesn't get enough quality time, I'm hard on him, and I feel like I'm ruining him. I feel like I'm ruining them all. Oh, and I feel like the whole world is judging me while I do it.
Obligations
I have stretched myself beyond my own comfort level, and yet I know that all this is nothing compared to when I begin student teaching in the Fall. I am helping with two weddings, keeping up with normal housework, writing papers, studying for my Praxis exams, and daily lecturing myself for not going to the gym...again! Deep, deep down, somewhere where sane Sabrina is hiding, I know that many people have MANY more responsibilities than I do right now. But for whatever reason, in this particular moment, it just feels like too much!!!
The Judgment
Oh, how I feel judged. Being close to family is AMAZING and SO HELPFUL, but it also gives them a lot of opportunity to judge me on all my shit. "Sabrina, your car is a mess; you should be embarrassed" (um, I wasn't until you said something - thanks!)."Did you get your car inspected yet?" "Sabrina, your garage still isn't completely unpacked?" "The kids are talking a lot about video games and war." "Do you have a rich uncle who just died? You're spending a lot of money." "Why would you drag all the kids around all day?" "Your dogs stink; when was the last time you bathed them?" "Did you brush Hazel's hair today?" "No, seriously, your car is a mess." And honestly, I feel like if I had just one full day and night of no parental responsibility, I could get it all done!
The Guilt
I always joke that I should have been Catholic because I always feel guilty about everything. About my parenting, about the entirety of the undone list above, and now, about complaining about my life. I am so, so blessed. I know this; truly I do. I am blessed that my husband will be back in 10 months, and I am blessed that, even from across the ocean, I have his support. I have a dear friend who's husband was taken from her, another wonderful friend who is in the throes of divorce. I know that I am blessed to only be a single mom for this next year, and I do feel guilty for feeling like this, but right now I can't help but feel sorry for myself. And to be honest, I feel BITTER against those who have their husbands by their sides.
I know this is a phase. I know that, maybe even as soon as tomorrow, I'll be ok and ready to take on the world again, but tonight, and for the past couple weeks, I'm just feeling trampled and a little broken.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
The New Normal
Daniel has been gone for over seven weeks, and in Afghanistan for nearly a month. In some moments, it feels like the time has gone by so quickly, and we are just getting started. But in many moments, especially at night, when I think of the numbers, I know that I have to do "this" 11 more times before he's home, and it takes my breath away.
I don't know how people do this without family around them. I am so blessed to be surrounded by family that loves me and my kids. Last week I had a terrible stomach bug, and though it was still really difficult without Daniel, family swept in and helped out. In the middle of last night, I thought I heard someone in the house, and my mom was here within minutes to check on me. It makes the year feel so bearable. Lately the kids and I have been struggling to get along. Especially Hazel and I. She is so stubborn, and there is no simple key to pleasing her - not even a "difficult" key; the same thing never works on her twice. If I'm mean, she throws a fit; if I'm sweet to her, she takes advantage and bosses me. I've tried being more consistent in punishment, and it really seems to make no difference. But last night before bed I tried to remember how blessed I am to have each one of them. I feel like for the past 7 weeks I've been thinking, "If I can just get a break from all 3 kids, I could breath!" This is my reality, and I need to be grateful that I have my babies to keep me company, make me laugh, keep me busy, and serve as a moment by moment reminder of all that God has given to Daniel and I.
Daniel seems to be doing really well. He's been in something of a holding time since he arrived in country, waiting to be sent to his unit; that should be happening soon. The fact concerns me. On my end it's been very easy so far in that he's calling most days, and chatting on facebook with me a couple times a day. Knowing he's training and just hanging out on a nice, "safe" installation brings me comfort. I wonder about where my imagination will go once he's truly "working.".
I sent my first package to him two weeks ago and it arrived within a week; I'm so impressed with the mail system. For anyone looking to send regular care packages to soldiers, I have to suggest ordering the large priority boxes from usps.com. They are free to order, and then, no matter how heavy, they are only $13-something to send to a soldier. I couldn't believe how easy the process was, and how fast it reached him. Sending him care packages is a nice way to feel like I have a little control over his conditions over there. I have two more ready to go as soon as I get his new address.
For those of you who may be dropping by and don't know my Daniel and his mwd, Bony, here they are. I'm so proud! :)
I don't know how people do this without family around them. I am so blessed to be surrounded by family that loves me and my kids. Last week I had a terrible stomach bug, and though it was still really difficult without Daniel, family swept in and helped out. In the middle of last night, I thought I heard someone in the house, and my mom was here within minutes to check on me. It makes the year feel so bearable. Lately the kids and I have been struggling to get along. Especially Hazel and I. She is so stubborn, and there is no simple key to pleasing her - not even a "difficult" key; the same thing never works on her twice. If I'm mean, she throws a fit; if I'm sweet to her, she takes advantage and bosses me. I've tried being more consistent in punishment, and it really seems to make no difference. But last night before bed I tried to remember how blessed I am to have each one of them. I feel like for the past 7 weeks I've been thinking, "If I can just get a break from all 3 kids, I could breath!" This is my reality, and I need to be grateful that I have my babies to keep me company, make me laugh, keep me busy, and serve as a moment by moment reminder of all that God has given to Daniel and I.
Daniel seems to be doing really well. He's been in something of a holding time since he arrived in country, waiting to be sent to his unit; that should be happening soon. The fact concerns me. On my end it's been very easy so far in that he's calling most days, and chatting on facebook with me a couple times a day. Knowing he's training and just hanging out on a nice, "safe" installation brings me comfort. I wonder about where my imagination will go once he's truly "working.".
I sent my first package to him two weeks ago and it arrived within a week; I'm so impressed with the mail system. For anyone looking to send regular care packages to soldiers, I have to suggest ordering the large priority boxes from usps.com. They are free to order, and then, no matter how heavy, they are only $13-something to send to a soldier. I couldn't believe how easy the process was, and how fast it reached him. Sending him care packages is a nice way to feel like I have a little control over his conditions over there. I have two more ready to go as soon as I get his new address.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
He's Leaving on a Jet Plane...
Daniel left for Afghanistan in the middle of the night. It was rough to wake up and know that he was halfway around the world. Worse now is not knowing exactly where he is and when I'll hear from him. I'm fearful of the secrets that this year is still hiding from us, but I'm calmer than I expected to be. This evening I was remembering when Daniel left for Korea. I was a few months pregnant with our first child, who is now 6. When I finally got the call from Daniel that he had arrived safely in Korea, I cried all night long. God has brought me a long way since then. I'm not the newbie Army wife that I once was, but it still burns like it did back then. I'm exhausted from caring for all three kids on my own, but I am so grateful for them - for obvious reasons, and also because they fill my days and make sleep so alluring at night.
We had a really amazing weekend together and I don't at all regret going. The goodbye was uneventful - we parted in a Sheetz parking lot. How dramatic can that possibly be? And he made me drive off first, which was good because you can't sob and drive safely, so the tears were minimal. The weekend was filled with a lot of "normal", and it was fantastic.
Normal followed us into our conversation last night as well. It was difficult last night to know how to talk and what to say, and so we filled one another in on very normal happenings. I felt like I needed to be on the phone with him as much as possible, but there was only so much to say. We are best friends, and I don't think much goes unsaid between us. Therefore, what's left to say in those "final" moments before he goes? Not much, except I love you, I love you, I love you. No matter how many times I hear it or say it, it's never enough. Can't wait to hear it again.
We had a really amazing weekend together and I don't at all regret going. The goodbye was uneventful - we parted in a Sheetz parking lot. How dramatic can that possibly be? And he made me drive off first, which was good because you can't sob and drive safely, so the tears were minimal. The weekend was filled with a lot of "normal", and it was fantastic.
Normal followed us into our conversation last night as well. It was difficult last night to know how to talk and what to say, and so we filled one another in on very normal happenings. I felt like I needed to be on the phone with him as much as possible, but there was only so much to say. We are best friends, and I don't think much goes unsaid between us. Therefore, what's left to say in those "final" moments before he goes? Not much, except I love you, I love you, I love you. No matter how many times I hear it or say it, it's never enough. Can't wait to hear it again.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Great is Thy Faithfulness
Well, Daniel has been gone for nearly 3 weeks now, and I'm proud to say we are surviving! Shout out to Delta Airlines! Saying goodbye to him at the airport was sooo much easier because of Delta. They gave me a gate pass to take him all the way to his gate. I even got to stand and watch his plane take off. It was great closure to not just watch him walk away from me in the middle of a busy airport. I was able to watch him board and fly off, then was able to sit with my Carver and collect myself before leaving. Props to Delta for being SO amazing! We will absolutely fly with them again!
So, since I had such a fantastic goodbye experience, I thought I'd do it again. Yes, I'm a sucker for self torture. Daniel has been in New Jersey these past 3 weeks waiting for a flight out. That flight is now set for a week from today. I'm eager for him to go, as the faster he goes, the faster he returns. Obviously, though, there are normal concerns with him being in Afghanistan. Because he has been in Jersey for so long, we have arranged to meet up tomorrow afternoon and spend the weekend together. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this opportunity. Clearly I miss him and want to see him. My fears lie in the fact that I have adjusted to him being gone, I have dealt with a sad goodbye, and I am surviving. I have worries that I'm going to, in a sense, start the process all over and lose the momentum I've gained. I'm HOPING that instead it rejuvenates me and, since he isn't coming home but we are meeting in a neutral place, going back to doing things solo will not be overly complicated. I'll be sure to rate my misery for all my faithful readers once the torture process is complete. :)
I thought I would close this post by showing just a few ways in which God has really been showing me His faithfulness these past weeks.
~I normally HATE staying home alone, and yet not one night have I been fearful being alone. God has given us such a comfortable, safe home, and it has made all the difference.
~We have survived a holiday without Daniel already; Easter was enjoyable, though I of course felt sorry for Daniel, celebrating solo with Bony.
~The kids have had a difficult time adjusting. By this I mean they have been royal brats. :) I am so grateful that I have family who has been so helpful with them. The kids are coming around and starting to adjust (hence the reason Carver and I are the only ones going to visit Daniel!)
~I have been given confidence in new found independence. I have set mouse traps (after my amazing cousin and her boyfriend came in the middle of the night to confirm its existence), changed smoke detector batteries, taken out the garbage each week, taken a successful road trip, dealt with a dead car battery (not exactly alone because my wonderful aunt and uncle rescued me!), and today I locked myself out of the house, to be rescued by my mom, who happened to be home from work this morning. Her being home was such a huge blessing considering that I had locked my phone in the house and was in sweatpants and a tshirt (with no bra), unbrushed teeth and hair, and no coat. Having to go to her work to get the spare key would have been incredibly humiliating!
~I'm looking forward to God showing His faithfulness to us again and again through this year.
So, since I had such a fantastic goodbye experience, I thought I'd do it again. Yes, I'm a sucker for self torture. Daniel has been in New Jersey these past 3 weeks waiting for a flight out. That flight is now set for a week from today. I'm eager for him to go, as the faster he goes, the faster he returns. Obviously, though, there are normal concerns with him being in Afghanistan. Because he has been in Jersey for so long, we have arranged to meet up tomorrow afternoon and spend the weekend together. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this opportunity. Clearly I miss him and want to see him. My fears lie in the fact that I have adjusted to him being gone, I have dealt with a sad goodbye, and I am surviving. I have worries that I'm going to, in a sense, start the process all over and lose the momentum I've gained. I'm HOPING that instead it rejuvenates me and, since he isn't coming home but we are meeting in a neutral place, going back to doing things solo will not be overly complicated. I'll be sure to rate my misery for all my faithful readers once the torture process is complete. :)
I thought I would close this post by showing just a few ways in which God has really been showing me His faithfulness these past weeks.
~I normally HATE staying home alone, and yet not one night have I been fearful being alone. God has given us such a comfortable, safe home, and it has made all the difference.
~We have survived a holiday without Daniel already; Easter was enjoyable, though I of course felt sorry for Daniel, celebrating solo with Bony.
~The kids have had a difficult time adjusting. By this I mean they have been royal brats. :) I am so grateful that I have family who has been so helpful with them. The kids are coming around and starting to adjust (hence the reason Carver and I are the only ones going to visit Daniel!)
~I have been given confidence in new found independence. I have set mouse traps (after my amazing cousin and her boyfriend came in the middle of the night to confirm its existence), changed smoke detector batteries, taken out the garbage each week, taken a successful road trip, dealt with a dead car battery (not exactly alone because my wonderful aunt and uncle rescued me!), and today I locked myself out of the house, to be rescued by my mom, who happened to be home from work this morning. Her being home was such a huge blessing considering that I had locked my phone in the house and was in sweatpants and a tshirt (with no bra), unbrushed teeth and hair, and no coat. Having to go to her work to get the spare key would have been incredibly humiliating!
~I'm looking forward to God showing His faithfulness to us again and again through this year.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The Last Resort
I have avoided this post as long as possible. The post where I will share that the "idea of the lasts" is not just creeping in, but becoming overwhelming. We are officially one week out from Daniel leaving to go back to Bragg, and then on to Afghanistan within the few days that follow. Therefore, this is our last Saturday night together until at least mid-tour. Tomorrow is our last Sunday morning together. Wednesday we will watch our last episodes of our favorites, The Middle and Modern Family. I hate the way this knowledge blankets every little moment, making me constantly wonder if the very thing we are doing is our last until he returns.
On top of that is the fear that what if this is our true last. That thought creeps in throughout the day and night and steals my breath before I even realize I'm thinking of it...though in a way I'm always thinking of it. It is always in the back of my mind, to the point that he feels so incredibly mortal to me that I find myself growing nervous every time he goes to the store, picks up Julian from school, or simply leaves my side. It's a quiet kind of worry. It's not the kind that makes me comment aloud, and I don't think it necessarily causes me to outwardly act any differently. It just breaks my heart...and encourages my prayer life.
Last week Daniel and I bought a little sign for our bedroom that says, "The Last Resort". Our room has a beachy theme to it, and so we liked the play on words with the idea of a "resort". Then, somewhere between bringing it home and putting it in it's place, I feared that it was some sort of bad omen. Like "The Last Resort" insinuated a more final "last". Oh, how the mind is a cruel thing in the face of a feared situation. So in an attempt to alleviate my sudden hatred for the adorable little decor, I made Daniel promise to write me an encouraging message on the bottom of it. If that doesn't make me feel better, I may have to move the little thing to the closet.
I am very happy to say that in spite of the little sign, we are settling rather nicely into our new home. I feel very comfortable here, and will soon post more pictures of the house. I need to finish a couple boxes for the kitchen, and I still need to tackle the kids' rooms, but everything is coming together nicely.
I needed to write this post to admit to myself how I'm feeling, I guess. I can only think of one other occassion in my life when I didn't want to talk through a problem. Typically I am the type who likes to pour out all my thoughts and feelings, and so it scares me a little that I want to avoid any conversation about his leaving. Maybe it's the fear of saying my concerns aloud? Or admitting that he is really, truly going? The main reason for this blog, however, was to have a place to store and dump such feelings, so I hope I feel better after signing off tonight. If nothing else, I can climb into bed with my husband in our mostly unpacked, decorated, put together bedroom.
Far from my last,
Sabrina
On top of that is the fear that what if this is our true last. That thought creeps in throughout the day and night and steals my breath before I even realize I'm thinking of it...though in a way I'm always thinking of it. It is always in the back of my mind, to the point that he feels so incredibly mortal to me that I find myself growing nervous every time he goes to the store, picks up Julian from school, or simply leaves my side. It's a quiet kind of worry. It's not the kind that makes me comment aloud, and I don't think it necessarily causes me to outwardly act any differently. It just breaks my heart...and encourages my prayer life.
Last week Daniel and I bought a little sign for our bedroom that says, "The Last Resort". Our room has a beachy theme to it, and so we liked the play on words with the idea of a "resort". Then, somewhere between bringing it home and putting it in it's place, I feared that it was some sort of bad omen. Like "The Last Resort" insinuated a more final "last". Oh, how the mind is a cruel thing in the face of a feared situation. So in an attempt to alleviate my sudden hatred for the adorable little decor, I made Daniel promise to write me an encouraging message on the bottom of it. If that doesn't make me feel better, I may have to move the little thing to the closet.
I am very happy to say that in spite of the little sign, we are settling rather nicely into our new home. I feel very comfortable here, and will soon post more pictures of the house. I need to finish a couple boxes for the kitchen, and I still need to tackle the kids' rooms, but everything is coming together nicely.
I needed to write this post to admit to myself how I'm feeling, I guess. I can only think of one other occassion in my life when I didn't want to talk through a problem. Typically I am the type who likes to pour out all my thoughts and feelings, and so it scares me a little that I want to avoid any conversation about his leaving. Maybe it's the fear of saying my concerns aloud? Or admitting that he is really, truly going? The main reason for this blog, however, was to have a place to store and dump such feelings, so I hope I feel better after signing off tonight. If nothing else, I can climb into bed with my husband in our mostly unpacked, decorated, put together bedroom.
Far from my last,
Sabrina
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Virginia is for Lovers
We "should" have been waking up in Pa this morning, but it wasn't to be. Instead we are in Lynchburg, Va, with six hours of trip ahead of us. We were wanting to clear housing Thursday morning, but they refused to do it without Daniel's orders. Without his orders, they were going to charge us an entire additional 30 days of rent. So we waited...and waited...and waited. Through this waiting it was HARD to keep the love dare going. Daniel and I were both irritable, and I was trying to put my best foot forward and be calm and sweet. I let a couple moments get the best of me, but I think overall I did better than I might have normally. Daniel might not agree...
Today's dare is to greet him in a way that isn't typical and that shows my love for him. I have six hours of driving to Pa to plot how to greet him when we get there... appropriate suggestions welcome. :)
Last night we made it about 4 hours and needed to stop b/c of the rain and darkness - I can't see worth anything in the rain and dark when driving. So today I'm praying for clear vision, focused mind, and easy traveling! So excited to finally get into Pa, though I'm fearful that once we are there I'll feel more like the clock is ticking on our time together. More on that another day.
Today's dare is to greet him in a way that isn't typical and that shows my love for him. I have six hours of driving to Pa to plot how to greet him when we get there... appropriate suggestions welcome. :)
Last night we made it about 4 hours and needed to stop b/c of the rain and darkness - I can't see worth anything in the rain and dark when driving. So today I'm praying for clear vision, focused mind, and easy traveling! So excited to finally get into Pa, though I'm fearful that once we are there I'll feel more like the clock is ticking on our time together. More on that another day.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Double Dog Dare Ya
I'm writing from the comfort of a hotel room with my three babies asleep around me (finally!). It's as if they all gave in at once and tuckered out within just a couple of minutes of each other. My incredibly amazing husband is finishing up some stuff at the house. For some reason, we always have a ridiculous amount of garbage every time we move. By the time I get to day three or four of packing, I start just throwing things into the garbage piles. Then, by the end, we have garbage galore. So tonight, after spending the day loading the moving truck and helping me clean, Daniel is dealing with the garbage and packing his military gear. It is in these "little" ways that I am reminded how good I have it!
As we've been packing and focusing on this move the last few days, I've also been doing The Love Dare. If you have never heard of it, it's an amazing book that challenges couples (or just one partner) to show love to their spouse in different ways for 40 days. This is the second time I've done the dare. I felt that with Daniel preparing to leave it would be a "fun" way to show him my love and gratitude for the husband that he is. I'm ashamed to say that Daniel is naturally more selfless and loving than I am, and this book makes me consciously consider my words/thought/actions/attitude towards him throughout the day. For the first few days of the dare I could say nothing negative to him. When we are stressed and moving and packing and with each other constantly, that is HARD! This time doing the dare I told him about it in advance, whereas before I kept it a secret. It has been fun this time to discuss it together. Yesterday my dare was to not act irritable in any way. I am generally irritable. Lol. So to not be irritable when we were doing so much packing felt impossible. But I was amazed at how easy it was after a few days of the dare and focusing my prayers on being loving towards Daniel. I'll continue to mention how the dare is going throughout the duration.
Once Daniel leaves, I think I'm going to configure the dare to do it towards Julian and Hazel. I should have plenty of time to dwell on it during the next couple days, as we are beginning our drive to Pa tomorrow. I'm anxious about the trip, as I will be driving one of our vehicles. This is definitely a first. The furthest distance I have ever driven is 3 hours; the entirety of this trip is 10. So in an effort to be a brave big girl, I'm doing the grown up thing and driving one of the cars to Pa. God grant me the...well, everything. So far it looks like He's granting me a lot of wonderful in regards to weather, and I'm grateful! I think this trip could be an encouragement to me on the idea of surviving this next year while Daniel is in Afghanistan.
I'm not feeling ready to deal with my feelings on Afghanistan. I have a lot of fears, and it's not that I'm in denial, but I'm having a hard time imagining how it's going to be with him gone for so long. Although we have been separated for such a long time before, we are more "us" than we were then. I pray this is going to bring us closer in the long run. Ultimately I pray for his safe return.
Well, for the last time, at least for awhile, love from NC!
As we've been packing and focusing on this move the last few days, I've also been doing The Love Dare. If you have never heard of it, it's an amazing book that challenges couples (or just one partner) to show love to their spouse in different ways for 40 days. This is the second time I've done the dare. I felt that with Daniel preparing to leave it would be a "fun" way to show him my love and gratitude for the husband that he is. I'm ashamed to say that Daniel is naturally more selfless and loving than I am, and this book makes me consciously consider my words/thought/actions/attitude towards him throughout the day. For the first few days of the dare I could say nothing negative to him. When we are stressed and moving and packing and with each other constantly, that is HARD! This time doing the dare I told him about it in advance, whereas before I kept it a secret. It has been fun this time to discuss it together. Yesterday my dare was to not act irritable in any way. I am generally irritable. Lol. So to not be irritable when we were doing so much packing felt impossible. But I was amazed at how easy it was after a few days of the dare and focusing my prayers on being loving towards Daniel. I'll continue to mention how the dare is going throughout the duration.
Once Daniel leaves, I think I'm going to configure the dare to do it towards Julian and Hazel. I should have plenty of time to dwell on it during the next couple days, as we are beginning our drive to Pa tomorrow. I'm anxious about the trip, as I will be driving one of our vehicles. This is definitely a first. The furthest distance I have ever driven is 3 hours; the entirety of this trip is 10. So in an effort to be a brave big girl, I'm doing the grown up thing and driving one of the cars to Pa. God grant me the...well, everything. So far it looks like He's granting me a lot of wonderful in regards to weather, and I'm grateful! I think this trip could be an encouragement to me on the idea of surviving this next year while Daniel is in Afghanistan.
I'm not feeling ready to deal with my feelings on Afghanistan. I have a lot of fears, and it's not that I'm in denial, but I'm having a hard time imagining how it's going to be with him gone for so long. Although we have been separated for such a long time before, we are more "us" than we were then. I pray this is going to bring us closer in the long run. Ultimately I pray for his safe return.
Well, for the last time, at least for awhile, love from NC!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Comrades
A lot has been happening these past few weeks, and I am, as always, overwhelmed by the goodness of our God. Last Monday, after daniel had returned from certification, we were informed that his deployment was being moved up a month. Since he was already deploying in less than 2 months, moving it up a month was kind of a big deal. Daniel's kennel master called us in to discuss the change. I'll be honest - I thought I knew how this conversation would go. "Mrs. Sandoval, this isn't our fault, it's the fault of someone much more important than me. If I could help I would. This is how the Army is sometimes. Blah Blah Blah." I nestled onto the couch in the kennels day room, took a deep breath, and practiced my "this is my happy attitude" face. My practiced expression was quickly replaced with surprise when Webster, the kennel master, instead asked, "What do you need from me?"
"Uh..."
"I want to help you prepare a plan to take to the commander, and then to battalion and brigade," he explained. "Lets find a date that works for everyone."
I was shocked, astounded, and a number of other synonyms for surprise. With Daniel and Web, we created a plan that would allow us our 30 days of leave as a family, give us time to settle into our new home as a family of five, and have daniel in country at a time that would please everyone. The friendliness and kindness from Web was something I had never encountered so easily with chain of command, and I am so incredibly grateful.
A TRIBUTE
"Uh..."
"I want to help you prepare a plan to take to the commander, and then to battalion and brigade," he explained. "Lets find a date that works for everyone."
I was shocked, astounded, and a number of other synonyms for surprise. With Daniel and Web, we created a plan that would allow us our 30 days of leave as a family, give us time to settle into our new home as a family of five, and have daniel in country at a time that would please everyone. The friendliness and kindness from Web was something I had never encountered so easily with chain of command, and I am so incredibly grateful.
A TRIBUTE
DIANE
Also last week, I was surprised when my childhood best friend asked if she could come visit. She flew in Thursday morning and we had a wonderful long weekend catching up. Diane and I ventured through a lot together growing up. We went from playing barbies, to boy talk, to weddings, to babies. She reminded me how blessed I am to have friends from all around the country, and her very presence made me think of all the friends I have made with each move. LESLIE
Leslie was my very first Army friend. Her husband, Josh, worked with Daniel, and I met them within days of arriving at Fort Leonard Wood, just after Daniel and I were married. She took me under her wing and taught me so much. We had sleepovers when our husband were away, we shopped together, cried together, fumed together, laughed together. She was my best friend. When our husbands both went to Korea, I even stayed with Leslie for some of the time. This past July, she lost her husband in Afghanistan. Even in her grief, she continues to teach me about strength, grace, and life. I am so honored to have such a beautiful woman as my friend.JOLENE
I met Jolene within a couple months of moving to Fort Campbell. I was in search of my Leslie replacement at our new duty station, and after leaving a dinner party at Jolene's I told Daniel, "I found my Leslie". Like Les, she was more knowledgeable about everything - the military, marriage, raising children, and just life. We were inseparable, and when her husband deployed, I felt that Jolene and her two girls became an extension of our family. Leaving her when we moved on was achingly hard for me. I still consider her one of my best friends, though life has gotten in the way as of late and we talk less often that we'd like.
HEATHER
It took a long time to find my Leslie-Jolene when we moved into the recruiting world. We were no longer surrounded by other army families who understood the need to make friends quickly and intensely. I met Heather at a Bible Study more than 6 months after we moved to the area. Until that time, I had essentially been friendless. I had a few people who were friendly to me, but no one that I could confide in, celebrate with. No one to provide playmates for my kids. I was the loneliest I had ever been. When Heather took me in as a friend, our recruiting town became home. Heather also taught me a lot through our laughter and tears. She taught me a lot about motherhood, and a great deal about living life as a christian mom and wife. Together we took on the children's program at church, and we became incredibly close. Today, she is still the person I go to on a daily basis for friendship, advice, laughter and sympathy. I miss her terribly.
JESSICA
I met Jessica the day her husband returned from Afghanistan. There was a homecoming at the kennels, and because we were new to Fort Bragg, I wanted to go along with the hope of meeting people. As most military friendships go, we bonded quickly. Because our husband's mostly work the same schedule, we have a lot of opportunity to simply hang out together. She was a comfort when I was expecting our third child in a foreign place to us, and she has been a wealth of knowledge and help related to fort Bragg and Daniel's upcoming deployment. Even upon leaving, I know her friendship will be one that will continue despite the distance.
Considering the best friends God has given me along the way is a comfort with this move and daniel's deployment approaching. He has shown faithful with each move that He will not only provide my needs, but He provides comfort and friendship each time. While I may feel that my world is upside down, I know He is a friend who cares and is going to provide for me, for Daniel, for the kids. It's those little assurances that are so comforting right now.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Cover My Six
Having Daniel gone this week has been a real eye opener to how much he and I work as a team in parenting. I am exhausted, particularly from my little Hazel. At three, Hazel is famous for her temper tantrums. She screams like I have never heard a child scream before. And she is just loud in general. When Hazel whispers, you can hear her two rooms away. When she talks normal, you can hear every word from another story of the house. Hazel screams when she wants something, screams when she needs something, screams and throws herself on the floor when she's angry. She even throws fits in the middle of the night - this is no joke. Last night she was sleeping in bed with me, and she woke up, kicked her feet and flopped around like a fish, screaming. She sounded like she was being killed. When I finally got her calmed down she said, "I just wanted to get up and play. I don't want to go to sleep." Are you kidding me?? It's 4am!! How are you even awake enough to throw a tantrum at 4am?
Tuesday night I was especially overwhelmed with Hazel's tantrums. I was laying in bed feeling particularly awful about my mothering skills. What on earth have I done wrong that could produce such an easily angered child? A child who believes that she is so deserving of everything that the smallest hint of "no" will throw her into a fit? I decided that she gets her cues from me, and instead of yelling back at her, or becoming angry, I need to teach her in love. And what better way to teach love than to instill the biblical truths that will make her the loving, respected, kind, happy child of God that I wish for her to be. Laying in bed, I also decided that i wanted to begin teaching her verses, and using those verses to help her understand how she should behave. I started to drift off as I tried to think of verses that would encourage her, not just feel like a reprimand.
The next morning was MOPS. The original speaker was unable to attend, so one of the moms was invited to speak. she is also the head of the children's program at our large church. It's not that I don't believe that God is listening and cares for my every need, but I think my mouth dropped open when she said that she was going to discuss verses that could help us show our children how to grow in love. I loved what she shared!
My plan is to decoratively hang these verses in their playroom on painted cookie sheets. When Hazel makes a good choice that applies to one of these verses, I will praise her, say the verse with her, and allow her to place a magnet on her "Good Choice Chart". (We made really cute magnets at MOPS that I think Hazel will enjoy making). When she reaches so many magnets (I need to see first how fast she accumulates them), she will get a prize. I'm not sure what to do about her bad behavior (ideas are welcome!). Do I take away magnets? Or leave the verses and magnets only for good behavior? It still has a few kinks, but I'm excited to get it started.
I often work to convince myself that God has things under control, big and small, but I'm always so surprised when He shows me how faithful He is. I cried, "I'm not sure how to parent her; she's difficult!", and within 12 hours He was showing me. It was just another assurance that He hears me, loves me, loves Hazel, and he's got our backs!
In other news, Daniel passed certification with his explosive detection dog!!! YAY! This means that he will be deploying for certain to Afghanistan in April. While I hate the idea of him leaving, I'm ready to get it started and over with. We've had a few house leads back home, and are waiting for God to show us the right one and work out the details.
Here are the verses that were shared at MOPS this week:
ATTENTIVE: Prov. 4:20 - "Pay attention, my child, to what I say, listen carefully."
OBEDIENCE: Eph. 6:1 - "Children, obey your parents int he Lord, for this is right."
DILIGENCE: Prov. 10:4 - "Diligent hands bring wealth."
FORGIVENESS: Col. 3:13 - "Forgives as the Lord forgave you."
PATIENCE: Eph 4:2 - "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love".
FAITH: Hebrews 11:1 - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see".
HONESTY: Prov. 16:13 - Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth".
GENEROSITY: James 1:17 - "Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights".
THANKFULNESS: 1 Thess. 5:18 - "Give thanks in all circumstances".
PRAYERFUL: Prov. 15:8 - "The Lord delights in the prayers of His people".
SERVING: Phil 2:4 - "Each of you should look no only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others".
SELF-DISCIPLINE: 2 Tim. 1:7 - "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of love and of self-discipline".
Tuesday night I was especially overwhelmed with Hazel's tantrums. I was laying in bed feeling particularly awful about my mothering skills. What on earth have I done wrong that could produce such an easily angered child? A child who believes that she is so deserving of everything that the smallest hint of "no" will throw her into a fit? I decided that she gets her cues from me, and instead of yelling back at her, or becoming angry, I need to teach her in love. And what better way to teach love than to instill the biblical truths that will make her the loving, respected, kind, happy child of God that I wish for her to be. Laying in bed, I also decided that i wanted to begin teaching her verses, and using those verses to help her understand how she should behave. I started to drift off as I tried to think of verses that would encourage her, not just feel like a reprimand.
The next morning was MOPS. The original speaker was unable to attend, so one of the moms was invited to speak. she is also the head of the children's program at our large church. It's not that I don't believe that God is listening and cares for my every need, but I think my mouth dropped open when she said that she was going to discuss verses that could help us show our children how to grow in love. I loved what she shared!
My plan is to decoratively hang these verses in their playroom on painted cookie sheets. When Hazel makes a good choice that applies to one of these verses, I will praise her, say the verse with her, and allow her to place a magnet on her "Good Choice Chart". (We made really cute magnets at MOPS that I think Hazel will enjoy making). When she reaches so many magnets (I need to see first how fast she accumulates them), she will get a prize. I'm not sure what to do about her bad behavior (ideas are welcome!). Do I take away magnets? Or leave the verses and magnets only for good behavior? It still has a few kinks, but I'm excited to get it started.
I often work to convince myself that God has things under control, big and small, but I'm always so surprised when He shows me how faithful He is. I cried, "I'm not sure how to parent her; she's difficult!", and within 12 hours He was showing me. It was just another assurance that He hears me, loves me, loves Hazel, and he's got our backs!
In other news, Daniel passed certification with his explosive detection dog!!! YAY! This means that he will be deploying for certain to Afghanistan in April. While I hate the idea of him leaving, I'm ready to get it started and over with. We've had a few house leads back home, and are waiting for God to show us the right one and work out the details.
Here are the verses that were shared at MOPS this week:
ATTENTIVE: Prov. 4:20 - "Pay attention, my child, to what I say, listen carefully."
OBEDIENCE: Eph. 6:1 - "Children, obey your parents int he Lord, for this is right."
DILIGENCE: Prov. 10:4 - "Diligent hands bring wealth."
FORGIVENESS: Col. 3:13 - "Forgives as the Lord forgave you."
PATIENCE: Eph 4:2 - "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love".
FAITH: Hebrews 11:1 - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see".
HONESTY: Prov. 16:13 - Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth".
GENEROSITY: James 1:17 - "Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights".
THANKFULNESS: 1 Thess. 5:18 - "Give thanks in all circumstances".
PRAYERFUL: Prov. 15:8 - "The Lord delights in the prayers of His people".
SERVING: Phil 2:4 - "Each of you should look no only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others".
SELF-DISCIPLINE: 2 Tim. 1:7 - "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of love and of self-discipline".
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Hurry up...and wait
When I first married Daniel seven years ago, I had often heard him and his family (all prior military) joke about the famous ways of the Army - to hurry up, and then to wait on them. Throughout the years, the joke has become less funny and proven incredibly true. There is only so much we can do on our end, and then we are at their mercy. I have rarely been more aware of this than when we move, and this time is no different.
If (when) Daniel certifies with Bony, his explosive detecting working dog, this week, then his deployment is practically set in stone and we need to scurry to locate a home for me close to family in Pennsylvania. This week, therefore, I am calling about rentals and searching for a place to live, but I can't commit to anything until the end of the week, at the absolute soonest. And even that is risky, as Daniel's date could change before we get official orders (and even after if they so desired).
This may sound as though I am complaining, and I promise that I'm not. I'm simply setting the backdrop to my oldest battle - trust. My mom is looking at a house for us tomorrow that sounds perfect, but the landlord told me that others are looking as well. It's hard for me to remind myself that God really does want what is best for me. If I don't get that house, it is for a reason. Perhaps because he has an even better one, or perhaps simply because it's not what He wants for me.
I think God must have chuckled when He chose Daniel, my military man, for me. He knew that I would have to learn to be patient and to rely on Him more. And He knew what a challenge that would be for me. I always want to pull the trigger before I barely have the target in my sights. I would have hoped that after 7 years as an Army wife, 21 years as a Christian, I would have this down by now. But no, I'm still hurrying up, and then slamming on the brakes while I learn to wait.
A friend of mine sent me her own blog to edit earlier this week. Not sure if it was because she truly wanted me to insert my commas and suggestions everywhere (which I did), or if she wanted to be assured that I read it (which I can certainly appreciate). Her blog was on worry. One of the things that stood out to me most was that she said worrying is allowing Satan to reign. Such an obvious thing, but I never thought of it that way. When I worry, Satan is winning. Shivers and Ick - that's for you, Mom.
So tonight, when I think about the ranch house that sits comfortably between my mom and mother in law, I'll pray for guidance and an obvious answer. No worries here!
If (when) Daniel certifies with Bony, his explosive detecting working dog, this week, then his deployment is practically set in stone and we need to scurry to locate a home for me close to family in Pennsylvania. This week, therefore, I am calling about rentals and searching for a place to live, but I can't commit to anything until the end of the week, at the absolute soonest. And even that is risky, as Daniel's date could change before we get official orders (and even after if they so desired).
This may sound as though I am complaining, and I promise that I'm not. I'm simply setting the backdrop to my oldest battle - trust. My mom is looking at a house for us tomorrow that sounds perfect, but the landlord told me that others are looking as well. It's hard for me to remind myself that God really does want what is best for me. If I don't get that house, it is for a reason. Perhaps because he has an even better one, or perhaps simply because it's not what He wants for me.
I think God must have chuckled when He chose Daniel, my military man, for me. He knew that I would have to learn to be patient and to rely on Him more. And He knew what a challenge that would be for me. I always want to pull the trigger before I barely have the target in my sights. I would have hoped that after 7 years as an Army wife, 21 years as a Christian, I would have this down by now. But no, I'm still hurrying up, and then slamming on the brakes while I learn to wait.
A friend of mine sent me her own blog to edit earlier this week. Not sure if it was because she truly wanted me to insert my commas and suggestions everywhere (which I did), or if she wanted to be assured that I read it (which I can certainly appreciate). Her blog was on worry. One of the things that stood out to me most was that she said worrying is allowing Satan to reign. Such an obvious thing, but I never thought of it that way. When I worry, Satan is winning. Shivers and Ick - that's for you, Mom.
So tonight, when I think about the ranch house that sits comfortably between my mom and mother in law, I'll pray for guidance and an obvious answer. No worries here!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
God Bought the Ticket
Very early this morning I sent Daniel off to the airport; he's headed for certification with his military working dog, Bony. After he left, I settled back into bed, hoping to gain a couple more hours before our 6 week old, Carver, woke to eat again. Instead of waking to a crying baby, I woke to my ringing phone around 6am. It was Daniel; at the fault of the Army, his government travel card wouldn't work and he needed a way to buy his roundtrip ticket. "How much?" I asked groggily. "Just over $1000". I knew we didn't have that in our bank account, and while I wanted to say, "Too bad for the Army, then; come back home!" I knew that wasn't possible. "Babe, we got our tax money deposited in the account sometime throughout the night," Daniel said, breaking into my worries and causing me to almost laugh. There goes God, taking care of us again. "I just want to make sure you're ok with me using it," Daniel said. "We'll get it paid back to us."
This is far from the first time that God has stepped in in a "little" big way and shown Himself to us. With this deployment approaching, I have a lot of fears. What if Daniel doesn't come back as himself? What if the kids and I kill each other before the year is out? What if I can't find a comfortable place to live back in my hometown? What if he doesn't come back at all??? And then God steps in and pays the plane ticket. He might as well have taken me by the shoulders and yelled loud enough for me to hear through all my human doubts, "Child! Why do you doubt that I can't take care of you? That I don't love you? That I don't have your best interest at the very core of every moment?" I know that this doesn't mean that bad things won't happen; I have seen too much sadness in my friends' lives this last year. But what He is saying is that He is bigger than it all, and when it all comes down to it, He'll fly us where we need to go...both literally and figuratively speaking, of course.
This is far from the first time that God has stepped in in a "little" big way and shown Himself to us. With this deployment approaching, I have a lot of fears. What if Daniel doesn't come back as himself? What if the kids and I kill each other before the year is out? What if I can't find a comfortable place to live back in my hometown? What if he doesn't come back at all??? And then God steps in and pays the plane ticket. He might as well have taken me by the shoulders and yelled loud enough for me to hear through all my human doubts, "Child! Why do you doubt that I can't take care of you? That I don't love you? That I don't have your best interest at the very core of every moment?" I know that this doesn't mean that bad things won't happen; I have seen too much sadness in my friends' lives this last year. But what He is saying is that He is bigger than it all, and when it all comes down to it, He'll fly us where we need to go...both literally and figuratively speaking, of course.
Friday, February 3, 2012
About Face
The title of my blog, "Yield, Army Life Crossing" is how I have often considered our existence in the Army when I'm not putting much thought in to it. My husband Daniel and I have been "yielding" together for over seven years now, ever since we married in October of '04; Daniel has been in for over ten years. I have never considered that this life would be an ongoing one - in my mind it was always just something that we were getting out of the way until we were ready to start our "real life".
I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the lifestyle and opportunities the Army has given us, so please do not think that this is going to be a blog that focuses on bashing and smashing the government and military; it is not. Along the way I have met friends that I can't imagine living without, lived in places I never would have had the opportunity to even visit without the military, and lived a comfortable lifestyle that a typical couple without a college degree between them would not have been awarded. What this blog is about is sharing and exploring our life and my feelings on such at any given moment.
I have decided to start this blog now because Daniel will be deploying to Afghanistan within the next couple months. This will be our first deployment as a married couple, and his first "combat" deployment; he has previously served in Kosovo and Cuba before we were married, and he was stationed in Korea for a year in the early stage of our marriage. Having this blog as an outpouring of my fears, the happenings, and our life along the way will hopefully help the process flow a little more smoothly.
Although I certainly plan to discuss our life as a military family, I am indeed just an average wife living a life that, to some, is a little less than ordinary. That said, I'll obviously also discuss life as a mom, as a student, as a friend, as a daughter, as a christian, and as just a normal woman. I look forward to looking back on this 15 months from now and knowing that we survived this deployment, and having the ability to look at each step that took us through it. For the next year I will be yielding my daily life to what the military has asked of my husband, has asked of us. But you better believe I will also be living!
I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the lifestyle and opportunities the Army has given us, so please do not think that this is going to be a blog that focuses on bashing and smashing the government and military; it is not. Along the way I have met friends that I can't imagine living without, lived in places I never would have had the opportunity to even visit without the military, and lived a comfortable lifestyle that a typical couple without a college degree between them would not have been awarded. What this blog is about is sharing and exploring our life and my feelings on such at any given moment.
I have decided to start this blog now because Daniel will be deploying to Afghanistan within the next couple months. This will be our first deployment as a married couple, and his first "combat" deployment; he has previously served in Kosovo and Cuba before we were married, and he was stationed in Korea for a year in the early stage of our marriage. Having this blog as an outpouring of my fears, the happenings, and our life along the way will hopefully help the process flow a little more smoothly.
Although I certainly plan to discuss our life as a military family, I am indeed just an average wife living a life that, to some, is a little less than ordinary. That said, I'll obviously also discuss life as a mom, as a student, as a friend, as a daughter, as a christian, and as just a normal woman. I look forward to looking back on this 15 months from now and knowing that we survived this deployment, and having the ability to look at each step that took us through it. For the next year I will be yielding my daily life to what the military has asked of my husband, has asked of us. But you better believe I will also be living!
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