The Last Resort

I have avoided this post as long as possible.  The post where I will share that the "idea of the lasts" is not just creeping in, but becoming overwhelming.  We are officially one week out from Daniel leaving to go back to Bragg, and then on to Afghanistan within the few days that follow.  Therefore, this is our last Saturday night together until at least mid-tour.  Tomorrow is our last Sunday morning together.  Wednesday we will watch our last episodes of our favorites, The Middle and Modern Family.  I hate the way this knowledge blankets every little moment, making me constantly wonder if the very thing we are doing is our last until he returns. 

On top of that is the fear that what if this is our true last.  That thought creeps in throughout the day and night and steals my breath before I even realize I'm thinking of it...though in a way I'm always thinking of it.  It is always in the back of my mind, to the point that he feels so incredibly mortal to me that I find myself growing nervous every time he goes to the store, picks up Julian from school, or simply leaves my side.  It's a quiet kind of worry.  It's not the kind that makes me comment aloud, and I don't think it necessarily causes me to outwardly act any differently.  It just breaks my heart...and encourages my prayer life.

Last week Daniel and I bought a little sign for our bedroom that says, "The Last Resort".  Our room has a beachy theme to it, and so we liked the play on words with the idea of a "resort".  Then, somewhere between bringing it home and putting it in it's place, I feared that it was some sort of bad omen.  Like "The Last Resort" insinuated a more final "last".  Oh, how the mind is a cruel thing in the face of  a feared situation.  So in an attempt to alleviate my sudden hatred for the adorable little decor, I made Daniel promise to write me an encouraging message on the bottom of it.  If that doesn't make me feel better, I may have to move the little thing to the closet.

I am very happy to say that in spite of the little sign, we are settling rather nicely into our new home.  I feel very comfortable here, and will soon post more pictures of the house.  I need to finish a couple boxes for the kitchen, and I still need to tackle the kids' rooms, but everything is coming together nicely.  

I needed to write this post to admit to myself how I'm feeling, I guess.  I can only think of one other occassion in my life when I didn't want to talk through a problem.  Typically I am the type who likes to pour out all my thoughts and feelings, and so it scares me a little that I want to avoid any conversation about his leaving.  Maybe it's the fear of saying my concerns aloud?  Or admitting that he is really, truly going?  The main reason for this blog, however, was to have a place to store and dump such feelings, so I hope I feel better after signing off tonight.  If nothing else, I can climb into bed with my husband in our mostly unpacked, decorated, put together bedroom.

Far from my last,
Sabrina

Virginia is for Lovers

We "should" have been waking up in Pa this morning, but it wasn't to be.  Instead we are in Lynchburg, Va, with six hours of trip ahead of us.  We were wanting to clear housing Thursday morning, but they refused to do it without Daniel's orders.  Without his orders, they were going to charge us an entire additional 30 days of rent.  So we waited...and waited...and waited.  Through this waiting it was HARD to keep the love dare going.  Daniel and I were both irritable, and I was trying to put my best foot forward and be calm and sweet.  I let a couple moments get the best of me, but I think overall I did better than I might have normally.  Daniel might not agree...

Today's dare is to greet him in a way that isn't typical and that shows my love for him.  I have six hours of driving to Pa to plot how to greet him when we get there...  appropriate suggestions welcome.  :)

Last night we made it about 4 hours and needed to stop b/c of the rain and darkness - I can't see worth anything in the rain and dark when driving.  So today I'm  praying for clear vision, focused mind, and easy traveling!  So excited to finally get into Pa, though I'm fearful that once we are there I'll feel more like the clock is ticking on our time together.  More on that another day.