Prone To Wander

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love!"

Oh, I am so prone to wander.  I am so prone to be so consumed in all my troubles that they overwhelm me, they sink me, and I wander into a dangerous land.  I wander into the land of "it isn't fair" and "I deserve better!"  Oh, what a dangerous place to visit, and what an even more dangerous place to stay over!  I tried to keep my visit short this time, only wallowing in the cave of self-pity for a short time. 

I need to try to recognize more often how lucky and blessed I am.  Today was a friend's bridal shower, and I am one of her bridesmaids.  It was a really busy weekend, and I often felt like I was running and running to keep up with everything.  I missed Carver terribly, as though he was with me, I wasn't getting any cuddle time in.  All that said, I could NOT have made it through without my mom.  She was so helpful with the kids.  She took Hazel and J last night for me, and today at the shower she watched both Hazel and Carv, while Harold was so wonderful to keep J.  Then, she brought them home for me so that I could stay and help clean up. 
This past week, my mother in law gave me three hours of sleeping in one morning as my "father's day" gift.  It was wonderful!  Plus, she kept Carver in the evening so that I could do some shopping for the shower. 
My cousin Samantha was a wonderful help, helping out with the kids, going with me while I ran them back and forth to VBS, and even keeping me company one night and then cleaning up my house the next morning.  I have SO much help!!!, so why is it so easy for Satan to sweep in and knock my legs out from under me? 

In addition to all the help I receive, I'm also grateful for my kids.  It is so, so easy for me to complain about them, and it's even easier for me to dwell on the responsibility that is wrapped up with each one of them.  I'm going to make a conscious effort this week to FOCUS on the amazingness of my kids.  The way they make me laugh, the things they teach me, the joy that they are.  This year would undoubtedly be easier if I had no children, but it would also be lonelier and would drag by terribly. 

"Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above!"

Overwhelmed

When I started this blog, I thought it would be a great venue to vent, to share, and to mark our story as we trudge through it.  I've found, though, that I've been really careful about what exactly I say and what mood I am in before I write.  I guess that really isn't giving a clear portrayal, though, so tonight I'm going to vent a little.

The Kids

I'm really struggling.  I feel like I'm in way over my head, and it's only going to get worse.  The kids are burning me out, or maybe have burnt me out.  Hazel especially.  I have never in my life met such a demanding child.  I love her so, so much, but 95% of the time parenting her makes me want to just cry.  She is so mean to me, she is so needy, she is so difficult, she is so EXHAUSTING!!!  Carver is an amazing baby, and most of the time he is really, really good.  But he is, after all, a baby, which has demands all its own.  He still gets up at least three times a night, sometimes more, and I feel like if I could just get three straight hours of uninterrupted sleep just a few times in a row I just might be ok.  And poor Julian, in all the demands to the other two, gets shoved to the background.  He doesn't get enough quality time, I'm hard on him, and I feel like I'm ruining him.  I feel like I'm ruining them all.  Oh, and I feel like the whole world is judging me while I do it.

Obligations

I have stretched myself beyond my own comfort level, and yet I know that all this is nothing compared to when I begin student teaching in the Fall.  I am helping with two weddings, keeping up with normal housework, writing papers, studying for my Praxis exams, and daily lecturing myself for not going to the gym...again!  Deep, deep down, somewhere where sane Sabrina is hiding, I know that many people have MANY more responsibilities than I do right now.  But for whatever reason, in this particular moment, it just feels like too much!!!

The Judgment

Oh, how I feel judged.  Being close to family is AMAZING and SO HELPFUL, but it also gives them a lot of opportunity to judge me on all my shit.  "Sabrina, your car is a mess; you should be embarrassed" (um, I wasn't until you said something - thanks!)."Did you get your car inspected yet?" "Sabrina, your garage still isn't completely unpacked?" "The kids are talking a lot about video games and war."  "Do you have a rich uncle who just died?  You're spending a lot of money."  "Why would you drag all the kids around all day?"  "Your dogs stink; when was the last time you bathed them?" "Did you brush Hazel's hair today?"   "No, seriously, your car is a mess."    And honestly, I feel like if I had just one full day and night of no parental responsibility, I could get it all done!

The Guilt

I always joke that I should have been Catholic because I always feel guilty about everything.  About my parenting, about the entirety of the undone list above, and now, about complaining about my life.  I am so, so blessed.  I know this; truly I do.  I am blessed that my husband will be back in 10 months, and I am blessed that, even from across the ocean, I have his support.  I have a dear friend who's husband was taken from her, another wonderful friend who is in the throes of divorce.  I know that I am blessed to only be a single mom for this next year, and I do feel guilty for feeling like this, but right now I can't help but feel sorry for myself.  And to be honest, I feel BITTER against those who have their husbands by their sides.

I know this is a phase.  I know that, maybe even as soon as tomorrow, I'll be ok and ready to take on the world again, but tonight, and for the past couple weeks, I'm just feeling trampled and a little broken.