Leave - The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Leave has come and gone, and we are now 5 days into his second part of the deployment which, thankfully, is only about 4 months long.
Now, leave is a wonderful concept.  It's something to look forward to when they board that plane for the first time; it's a reprieve that seems attainable.  Daniel and I waited until month 8 of his deployment for him to take leave, and since he was at Fort Dix awaiting a flight to Afghanistan for a month, we were technically at the 9 month mark of living separately.  So leave was still far off when he left the first time, but it still felt a lot closer than the end of the deployment.  I tried to listen to the advice of all my fellow Army spouses when it came to planning leave - make time for just our little family, don't rush around the whole time, just be together as a family.  So, with this advice in mind, Daniel and I planned our leave.  It fell over Christmas break, so we would use the holiday to see extended family.  Also, Carv's first birthday took place while D was home, so we planned a party so we could see family and friends all at once, thus freeing up more days for just us and the kids.  To enhance our time as just our little family of five, we booked a two night vacay for Great Wolf Lodge in Ohio.  Finally, because he came home almost a week after originally planned, he was going to be here for New Year's, so we decided to go visit some friends out of town.  So we had 16 days in which to have Carver's bday, Christmas, vacation, and a visit to friends.  It seemed simple enough and seemed to offer a lot of family time.
Leave, Day One:  Daniel flew into Pitt around 5 the evening of the 19th.  My wonderful cousin Olivia watched the baby during the day, and my mom took them for the evening.  My cousin Samantha did my hair and makeup, and my aunt, Samantha, and friend Josh helped pick my outfit a few days before.  I was ready!  The airport, and Delta specifically, was amazing and let me go to the gate to greet him.  Seeing him walk out of the gate was incredible.  There he was, right in front of me, and suddenly it seemed like he hadn't even been gone.  I know that sounds so cheesy, but we were us again.  We left the airport and went to my mom's to surprise the kids, who had no idea what their "Christmas surprise" was going to be.  Their faces when they saw their daddy were incredible!  Julian's mouth just hung open, and then he ran to Daniel.  Hazel didn't even realize what was happening just behind her (daniel and julian reuniting) and was chatting away until she saw him.  Then, after a moment of uncertainty of what to do, she ran to him as well.  They were so cute, trying to steal his attention, climbing all over him, just loving having him home.  Carv was leery, but still played with him from afar or from the safety of my arms.  The first night together as a family was wonderful, and leave was off to a great start.   

I love the kids faces in this picture; it's so indicative of how we all felt.  Hazel - not really sure what to think of it all, but just HAPPY!!!  Julian - absolute bliss.  Carver - Who heck is this guy??  Lol.

------------------------------->  Insert Unexpected Life Events Here. <------------------------------------
On day two of Daniel's leave my mom called me about mid afternoon.  My grampa had fallen at a bank on Main street and was at the hospital.  My mom was more than a half hour away and asked me to go over with my aunt to see how grampa was.  I was shocked to go in and find him on a back-board, his head braced still, a huge bloody gash on his head.  A CT scan had revealed that he was bleeding on the brain, and before we could even take it all in, they were rushing him to a hospital in Pitt that was more capable of handling his situation.  I couldn't believe it, and still cant.  A fall??  He fell down four steps.  FOUR.  Is this really going to be what causes my strong, independent grandfather of 88 to deteriorate?  It seemed like a sick joke.

Sunday morning, day 4 of leave, I woke up early with my hands feeling swollen and itchy.  A look in the mirror told me something was wrong; my lips were puffy and my skin was red.  By the time I woke Daniel and sent him off to the store for Benadryl, my mom was sending Harold over to watch the kids so Daniel could take me to the ER (Mom was headed to Pitt to be with grandpa).  By the time we got the ER my tongue was swollen, my skin was red and hot with welts, my whole face was swollen, and my hands.  They gave me an IV of Benadryl, epinephrine, and steroids, and after my looks returned to normal, we headed home for me to sleep off the Benadryl.  Our plan for a nice morning at church was ruined. 

The next few days continued as planned, with a few changes here and there because of Grampa's hospitalization.  Additionally, Hazel was sent home from preschool with suspicion of pink eye.  We began treating her immediately, praying that it wouldn't spread to the rest of the family. Carver's birthday party was wonderful and we had a lot of fun with everyone.  Despite being with my grampa at the hospital all day, my mom and her husband, Harold, took the kids overnight for us. We had a wonderful evening together.

Happy First Birthday, Carver B!!!

The next few days we celebrated Christmas with Daniel's family; it was really nice to have us all together again.  Christmas morning was fantastic; the kids had a blast, especially because Daddy was home to enjoy it all with us.
 

Christmas day we went to Aunt Holly's; she and her fiance Sean slaved over Christmas dinner for us, despite all the time they had been traveling back and forth from the hospital. Though we all enjoyed family time, there was a heavy cloud over us with grampa in the hospital.  We weren't sure of the details of Grampa's injury.  One moment the doctors were saying that they expected a good recovery, despite Grampa being confused and combative.  Next, there were great concern that brain surgery could be just around the corner.  My devoted mom and Harold left our Christmas gathering early and rushed back down to the hospital to see Grampa for Christmas, whether Grampa could realize it or not.  Finally, Christmas day ended with exchanging gifts and sharing the Christmas story with Daniel's family.

Merry Christmas!

I struggled through leave to celebrate and enjoy being with Daniel knowing that Grampa was in the hospital and all of my family was scurrying around trying to care for him as best as they could.  There was a lot of guilt at not going to be with him myself, even while others assured me that my place was with Daniel and the kids.  Finally, though, things looked to be on the up with grampa.  They were sending him back to our local hospital to start therapy now that he was stabilized.

Despite all the craziness with grampa, my gracious mom and Harold had Daniel, myself and the kids over for dinner so we could all exchange gifts.  After gifts and dinner, we spent time playing with Julian's new nerf guns.  It was a lot of family fun. 


The following day was Great Wolf Lodge, so we headed home to pack up and prepare for our trip.  I know some of the details of my sharing are tedious, but someday, I want to look back and remember all that leave was, despite the way it felt at the moment - but more about that tomorrow. 

The Month-Long Week

I hoped, prayed and begged that this week would come, and all along, while praying, and begging, and hoping, I suspected that it would be a week that would drag on forever.  Like the week before Christmas, or the week before vacation, or the week before the due date of your third child who is pressing heavily on your sciatic nerve and keeping you awake with bathroom breaks and baby hiccups...yeah, like that one.  A day feels like a week, and the week itself feels like it will go on for AT LEAST a month.  And all the while I keep telling myself, "You've already survived 35 weeks of him being gone; what's one more?"  Ugh, it feels like everything.

I think what I hate the most about the entire "waiting" process is that I don't know exactly what it is that I'm waiting for.  Well, I know WHAT it is I'm waiting for - a dramatic spectacle of a reunion in the middle of the airport, an emotional rejoining of my husband with my children, a much-needed vacation as a family, just one full night of sleep since having Carv, and doing something more exciting than folding clothes in the bedroom.  ;)

Ok, so back to waiting - Daniel is currently at Bagram Airfield, and then has two more steps before making it to Pitt.   His goal, our goal, is for him to make it on the 14th - sooner will send him back too closely to Christmas and later, well, later just sucks.  And we go on vacay on Tuesday, so some down time before then would be nice.  So all the stars, airplanes, and time-zones must align to get Daniel on an available plane when need be.  All of this being said, my controlling side is in misery that I don't have a concrete plan for the next week, except that tomorrow and Wednesday morning I'm completing my last two days of student teaching...unless D comes home early...then I'm skipping.

Student teaching...heavens, I can't believe I've come to the end.  I'm a little heartbroken, and surprised to be so.  I'm going to miss my seniors.  I'm going to miss starting out each day with a clear mission in mind.  I'm going to miss that feeling of WORTH.  However, it isn't all bad.  I'm excited to sleep past 5am again, and excited to spend more time with my children than the daycare teachers do.  Oh, and that whole graduation and the prospect of a paying job in the future is exciting.

So that's where we are right now.  In limbo, waiting.  After all, it wouldn't seem right if we weren't yielding all of our plans for this Army life.

It's always surprising to me when my ache to have him home with us suddenly collides with my fear for him, and it all takes my breath away.  It's the worst when he's on mission - those moments happen often then.  Tonight I was doing that thing I try really hard not to do - peeking out through my front door window to be sure that the car parked across the street wasn't holding a uniformed officer that was about to bring me the worst news of my life - sometimes I'm really dramatic. When the car drove off and I thought I had my bearings, I turned from the door and my eyes met Daniel's wedding ring, hanging on the carabiner by the front door where he'd left it 6 1/2 months ago for safe keeping.  Tonight, for whatever reason, I just had to hold it.  And in that moment, I could see it on his finger, and I needed to have that hand in mine.  I slipped the ring off of the carabiner and pushed it onto my thumb.  I have a feeling it's found a new home for now.  Little moments like this will suddenly overwhelm me, and then it will be over, and I'll move on through my day, or in this case my evening, until the next moment strikes.

The last six weeks of student teaching have gone in a whirlwind.  Which is good; I was hoping life would sail by once I started.  I have only 9 weeks to go, and then D will be home for RandR!!!  Today I booked our mini family vacay for while he's home.  It felt good to plan something with his presence in mind.

Carver is growing like crazy and loving daycare, even despite all of the germs he's collecting.  The poor baby is on steroids for croup now.  But he's still his happy self, and he's been sharing a room with J for a week now.  Julian seems to enjoy having a roomie, and Carv is sleeping great in there - and I'm sleeping great in my room! 

Julian feels mostly unconcerned about school.  He neither loves it or hates it.  Hazel says she dislikes preschool, and she spent the first few weeks crying everyday.  Now she just whines about it, but she always comes home happy.  The adjustments have been the hardest on her, and I try to keep that in mind amongst her fits and tantrums.  This too shall pass...

God, protect him always.

That Thing that Makes the Tears Comes

It's been a long week, and a rough weekend!  Last Monday I began my student teaching at my Alma-mater.  It was a great week in that I LOVE the potential of everything ahead of me.  I'm enjoying "playing" teacher right now, and I'm excited to get into taking over the classes.  I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of it all, but I feel that I'll pour myself into it, knowing that this will directly mold my future with Daniel and the kids.

Oh, Daniel.  How I miss that man!  I thought that being busy might help distract me, and it does while I'm moving, but at night, when the calmness settles around me and exhaustion sets in, I miss him and ache for him like never before.  Making the situation worse, changes are being made with the details of his deployment and he will be unable to contact me for long periods of time for the foreseeable future.  That's an incredibly hard concept to swallow, as we have been so spoiled in our communication.  We have talked, in one way or another, at least every couple days, if not more.  Talking on the phone, chatting on FB, skyping and even emailing all made him feel so much closer than the other side of the world.  I'm praying that this lack of contact will be short-lived.

Thursday afternoon I picked Carv up from daycare with the sniffles.  Now let me just say that Carver and Hazel have NEVER been in daycare until this last week, and Julian was there as a young toddler, but only b/c I was also working there at the daycare.  So having them there, especially Carver, is difficult.  Anyway, the baby comes home with the sniffles and I just know that he obviously got it from daycare, but what are you going to do?  We all have to build up our immunities, and that's to be expected.  Then, around 10 that night, Carv gets really fussy and won't go back to sleep.  Then the fever comes, and it stays...and stays and stays and stays.  Finally, at 2am, a cool bath broke it, and he fell asleep.  When he rewoke at 430 the fever was back, and I knew daycare wouldn't take him with a fever.  I made a really difficult decision to call my cooperating teacher and let her know that I wasn't going to be able to go in.  She was so incredible about it, and I know it's another BIG "small" way that God is taking care of us. 
Because I have to pay for Hazel whether she's at daycare or not, I took her in, got Julian onto the bus, and came home and called my Aunt Sue, who happened to be home that day.  She and my uncle gladly took my sick little bubba, and I made it to school before lunch, only missing one class.  My cooperating teacher was impressed, and I am so GRATEFUL to my aunt and uncle!!!

The rest of the weekend was a blur of Hazel and I additionally getting sick, and we ended up crashing at my aunt and uncle's all weekend, letting them take care of all of us.  My aunt made us homemade chicken noodle soup and took care of Carver, my mother in law let me sleep in while she woke up with C, and my mom took the older two last night, and Carv and I got lots of rest.   What could have been a HORRID weekend was saved by my amazing family.  I am so incredibly blessed!!!

Tonight, after things had calmed down and I was getting dinner ready for the kids, I finally shed my tears.  I hadn't cried in the middle of the night Thursday when I was beyond exhausted and my poor little baby was sicker than I had ever seen a baby.  I didn't cry when, after just two hours of sleep, I crawled out of bed and figured out all by myself how to get everyone where they needed to be.  I didn't cry when my Aunt Sue took Carver without any hesitation and cared for him like he was her own.  I didn't cry when my own fever crept in, right along with Hazel's.  I didn't cry when my mother in law let me sleep in the next morning and rocked the baby to sleep that night so I could have a break.  I didn't cry when my mom took the older two, making my burden all the lighter.  I didn't cry when Carver learned to give kisses without me.  I didn't cry when Aunt Sue made me homemade chicken noodle soup.  I didn't even cry when Daniel told me he was moving and I wouldn't talk to him for perhaps weeks - Heavens knows I wanted to.  But tonight, when I asked Julian what he wanted for dinner, I cried.  My little J said, "Whatever Hazel wants.  I want it to be easy for you."  Oh my sweet baby.  That boy takes weight on for me in ways I don't realize, and he takes care of me.  I love that boy.  Oh, how I pray I'm not screwing him up. 

Tomorrow we start a new week, perhaps not hearing from Daniel.  But we'll be ok, because God has shown Himself as faithful.

Blah Blah Blah

I am in a big time slump.  I'm not really sure where it came from; it just suddenly seemed to sneak up and drag me to the very bottom of the barrel to hide out until it's over.  Until what's over?  Yeah, I'm not really sure.  I'm going to have to come up for air long before this deployment is over, far before school starts, and even before the end of the week - by morning would be convenient. 
My first clue that my slump was coming was my longing to just stay in fricken bed.  I have no motivation for anything.  I don't want to exercise.  I certainly don't want to eat right.  I don't want to brush Hazel's hair.  I don't want to grocery shop.  I don't want to put the dishes in the dishwasher.  I don't even want to shower.  I just want to be.  I'm even having a hard time talking with Daniel on the phone.  I miss him so, so much, and yet when he calls, I don't have much to say, and just talking seems like a chore.  Again, not because I don't want to, but b/c it just feels overwhelming.
Hoping tomorrow is a better day...

Prone To Wander

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love!"

Oh, I am so prone to wander.  I am so prone to be so consumed in all my troubles that they overwhelm me, they sink me, and I wander into a dangerous land.  I wander into the land of "it isn't fair" and "I deserve better!"  Oh, what a dangerous place to visit, and what an even more dangerous place to stay over!  I tried to keep my visit short this time, only wallowing in the cave of self-pity for a short time. 

I need to try to recognize more often how lucky and blessed I am.  Today was a friend's bridal shower, and I am one of her bridesmaids.  It was a really busy weekend, and I often felt like I was running and running to keep up with everything.  I missed Carver terribly, as though he was with me, I wasn't getting any cuddle time in.  All that said, I could NOT have made it through without my mom.  She was so helpful with the kids.  She took Hazel and J last night for me, and today at the shower she watched both Hazel and Carv, while Harold was so wonderful to keep J.  Then, she brought them home for me so that I could stay and help clean up. 
This past week, my mother in law gave me three hours of sleeping in one morning as my "father's day" gift.  It was wonderful!  Plus, she kept Carver in the evening so that I could do some shopping for the shower. 
My cousin Samantha was a wonderful help, helping out with the kids, going with me while I ran them back and forth to VBS, and even keeping me company one night and then cleaning up my house the next morning.  I have SO much help!!!, so why is it so easy for Satan to sweep in and knock my legs out from under me? 

In addition to all the help I receive, I'm also grateful for my kids.  It is so, so easy for me to complain about them, and it's even easier for me to dwell on the responsibility that is wrapped up with each one of them.  I'm going to make a conscious effort this week to FOCUS on the amazingness of my kids.  The way they make me laugh, the things they teach me, the joy that they are.  This year would undoubtedly be easier if I had no children, but it would also be lonelier and would drag by terribly. 

"Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above!"

Overwhelmed

When I started this blog, I thought it would be a great venue to vent, to share, and to mark our story as we trudge through it.  I've found, though, that I've been really careful about what exactly I say and what mood I am in before I write.  I guess that really isn't giving a clear portrayal, though, so tonight I'm going to vent a little.

The Kids

I'm really struggling.  I feel like I'm in way over my head, and it's only going to get worse.  The kids are burning me out, or maybe have burnt me out.  Hazel especially.  I have never in my life met such a demanding child.  I love her so, so much, but 95% of the time parenting her makes me want to just cry.  She is so mean to me, she is so needy, she is so difficult, she is so EXHAUSTING!!!  Carver is an amazing baby, and most of the time he is really, really good.  But he is, after all, a baby, which has demands all its own.  He still gets up at least three times a night, sometimes more, and I feel like if I could just get three straight hours of uninterrupted sleep just a few times in a row I just might be ok.  And poor Julian, in all the demands to the other two, gets shoved to the background.  He doesn't get enough quality time, I'm hard on him, and I feel like I'm ruining him.  I feel like I'm ruining them all.  Oh, and I feel like the whole world is judging me while I do it.

Obligations

I have stretched myself beyond my own comfort level, and yet I know that all this is nothing compared to when I begin student teaching in the Fall.  I am helping with two weddings, keeping up with normal housework, writing papers, studying for my Praxis exams, and daily lecturing myself for not going to the gym...again!  Deep, deep down, somewhere where sane Sabrina is hiding, I know that many people have MANY more responsibilities than I do right now.  But for whatever reason, in this particular moment, it just feels like too much!!!

The Judgment

Oh, how I feel judged.  Being close to family is AMAZING and SO HELPFUL, but it also gives them a lot of opportunity to judge me on all my shit.  "Sabrina, your car is a mess; you should be embarrassed" (um, I wasn't until you said something - thanks!)."Did you get your car inspected yet?" "Sabrina, your garage still isn't completely unpacked?" "The kids are talking a lot about video games and war."  "Do you have a rich uncle who just died?  You're spending a lot of money."  "Why would you drag all the kids around all day?"  "Your dogs stink; when was the last time you bathed them?" "Did you brush Hazel's hair today?"   "No, seriously, your car is a mess."    And honestly, I feel like if I had just one full day and night of no parental responsibility, I could get it all done!

The Guilt

I always joke that I should have been Catholic because I always feel guilty about everything.  About my parenting, about the entirety of the undone list above, and now, about complaining about my life.  I am so, so blessed.  I know this; truly I do.  I am blessed that my husband will be back in 10 months, and I am blessed that, even from across the ocean, I have his support.  I have a dear friend who's husband was taken from her, another wonderful friend who is in the throes of divorce.  I know that I am blessed to only be a single mom for this next year, and I do feel guilty for feeling like this, but right now I can't help but feel sorry for myself.  And to be honest, I feel BITTER against those who have their husbands by their sides.

I know this is a phase.  I know that, maybe even as soon as tomorrow, I'll be ok and ready to take on the world again, but tonight, and for the past couple weeks, I'm just feeling trampled and a little broken.