That Thing that Makes the Tears Comes

It's been a long week, and a rough weekend!  Last Monday I began my student teaching at my Alma-mater.  It was a great week in that I LOVE the potential of everything ahead of me.  I'm enjoying "playing" teacher right now, and I'm excited to get into taking over the classes.  I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of it all, but I feel that I'll pour myself into it, knowing that this will directly mold my future with Daniel and the kids.

Oh, Daniel.  How I miss that man!  I thought that being busy might help distract me, and it does while I'm moving, but at night, when the calmness settles around me and exhaustion sets in, I miss him and ache for him like never before.  Making the situation worse, changes are being made with the details of his deployment and he will be unable to contact me for long periods of time for the foreseeable future.  That's an incredibly hard concept to swallow, as we have been so spoiled in our communication.  We have talked, in one way or another, at least every couple days, if not more.  Talking on the phone, chatting on FB, skyping and even emailing all made him feel so much closer than the other side of the world.  I'm praying that this lack of contact will be short-lived.

Thursday afternoon I picked Carv up from daycare with the sniffles.  Now let me just say that Carver and Hazel have NEVER been in daycare until this last week, and Julian was there as a young toddler, but only b/c I was also working there at the daycare.  So having them there, especially Carver, is difficult.  Anyway, the baby comes home with the sniffles and I just know that he obviously got it from daycare, but what are you going to do?  We all have to build up our immunities, and that's to be expected.  Then, around 10 that night, Carv gets really fussy and won't go back to sleep.  Then the fever comes, and it stays...and stays and stays and stays.  Finally, at 2am, a cool bath broke it, and he fell asleep.  When he rewoke at 430 the fever was back, and I knew daycare wouldn't take him with a fever.  I made a really difficult decision to call my cooperating teacher and let her know that I wasn't going to be able to go in.  She was so incredible about it, and I know it's another BIG "small" way that God is taking care of us. 
Because I have to pay for Hazel whether she's at daycare or not, I took her in, got Julian onto the bus, and came home and called my Aunt Sue, who happened to be home that day.  She and my uncle gladly took my sick little bubba, and I made it to school before lunch, only missing one class.  My cooperating teacher was impressed, and I am so GRATEFUL to my aunt and uncle!!!

The rest of the weekend was a blur of Hazel and I additionally getting sick, and we ended up crashing at my aunt and uncle's all weekend, letting them take care of all of us.  My aunt made us homemade chicken noodle soup and took care of Carver, my mother in law let me sleep in while she woke up with C, and my mom took the older two last night, and Carv and I got lots of rest.   What could have been a HORRID weekend was saved by my amazing family.  I am so incredibly blessed!!!

Tonight, after things had calmed down and I was getting dinner ready for the kids, I finally shed my tears.  I hadn't cried in the middle of the night Thursday when I was beyond exhausted and my poor little baby was sicker than I had ever seen a baby.  I didn't cry when, after just two hours of sleep, I crawled out of bed and figured out all by myself how to get everyone where they needed to be.  I didn't cry when my Aunt Sue took Carver without any hesitation and cared for him like he was her own.  I didn't cry when my own fever crept in, right along with Hazel's.  I didn't cry when my mother in law let me sleep in the next morning and rocked the baby to sleep that night so I could have a break.  I didn't cry when my mom took the older two, making my burden all the lighter.  I didn't cry when Carver learned to give kisses without me.  I didn't cry when Aunt Sue made me homemade chicken noodle soup.  I didn't even cry when Daniel told me he was moving and I wouldn't talk to him for perhaps weeks - Heavens knows I wanted to.  But tonight, when I asked Julian what he wanted for dinner, I cried.  My little J said, "Whatever Hazel wants.  I want it to be easy for you."  Oh my sweet baby.  That boy takes weight on for me in ways I don't realize, and he takes care of me.  I love that boy.  Oh, how I pray I'm not screwing him up. 

Tomorrow we start a new week, perhaps not hearing from Daniel.  But we'll be ok, because God has shown Himself as faithful.

Blah Blah Blah

I am in a big time slump.  I'm not really sure where it came from; it just suddenly seemed to sneak up and drag me to the very bottom of the barrel to hide out until it's over.  Until what's over?  Yeah, I'm not really sure.  I'm going to have to come up for air long before this deployment is over, far before school starts, and even before the end of the week - by morning would be convenient. 
My first clue that my slump was coming was my longing to just stay in fricken bed.  I have no motivation for anything.  I don't want to exercise.  I certainly don't want to eat right.  I don't want to brush Hazel's hair.  I don't want to grocery shop.  I don't want to put the dishes in the dishwasher.  I don't even want to shower.  I just want to be.  I'm even having a hard time talking with Daniel on the phone.  I miss him so, so much, and yet when he calls, I don't have much to say, and just talking seems like a chore.  Again, not because I don't want to, but b/c it just feels overwhelming.
Hoping tomorrow is a better day...

Prone To Wander

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love!"

Oh, I am so prone to wander.  I am so prone to be so consumed in all my troubles that they overwhelm me, they sink me, and I wander into a dangerous land.  I wander into the land of "it isn't fair" and "I deserve better!"  Oh, what a dangerous place to visit, and what an even more dangerous place to stay over!  I tried to keep my visit short this time, only wallowing in the cave of self-pity for a short time. 

I need to try to recognize more often how lucky and blessed I am.  Today was a friend's bridal shower, and I am one of her bridesmaids.  It was a really busy weekend, and I often felt like I was running and running to keep up with everything.  I missed Carver terribly, as though he was with me, I wasn't getting any cuddle time in.  All that said, I could NOT have made it through without my mom.  She was so helpful with the kids.  She took Hazel and J last night for me, and today at the shower she watched both Hazel and Carv, while Harold was so wonderful to keep J.  Then, she brought them home for me so that I could stay and help clean up. 
This past week, my mother in law gave me three hours of sleeping in one morning as my "father's day" gift.  It was wonderful!  Plus, she kept Carver in the evening so that I could do some shopping for the shower. 
My cousin Samantha was a wonderful help, helping out with the kids, going with me while I ran them back and forth to VBS, and even keeping me company one night and then cleaning up my house the next morning.  I have SO much help!!!, so why is it so easy for Satan to sweep in and knock my legs out from under me? 

In addition to all the help I receive, I'm also grateful for my kids.  It is so, so easy for me to complain about them, and it's even easier for me to dwell on the responsibility that is wrapped up with each one of them.  I'm going to make a conscious effort this week to FOCUS on the amazingness of my kids.  The way they make me laugh, the things they teach me, the joy that they are.  This year would undoubtedly be easier if I had no children, but it would also be lonelier and would drag by terribly. 

"Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above!"

Overwhelmed

When I started this blog, I thought it would be a great venue to vent, to share, and to mark our story as we trudge through it.  I've found, though, that I've been really careful about what exactly I say and what mood I am in before I write.  I guess that really isn't giving a clear portrayal, though, so tonight I'm going to vent a little.

The Kids

I'm really struggling.  I feel like I'm in way over my head, and it's only going to get worse.  The kids are burning me out, or maybe have burnt me out.  Hazel especially.  I have never in my life met such a demanding child.  I love her so, so much, but 95% of the time parenting her makes me want to just cry.  She is so mean to me, she is so needy, she is so difficult, she is so EXHAUSTING!!!  Carver is an amazing baby, and most of the time he is really, really good.  But he is, after all, a baby, which has demands all its own.  He still gets up at least three times a night, sometimes more, and I feel like if I could just get three straight hours of uninterrupted sleep just a few times in a row I just might be ok.  And poor Julian, in all the demands to the other two, gets shoved to the background.  He doesn't get enough quality time, I'm hard on him, and I feel like I'm ruining him.  I feel like I'm ruining them all.  Oh, and I feel like the whole world is judging me while I do it.

Obligations

I have stretched myself beyond my own comfort level, and yet I know that all this is nothing compared to when I begin student teaching in the Fall.  I am helping with two weddings, keeping up with normal housework, writing papers, studying for my Praxis exams, and daily lecturing myself for not going to the gym...again!  Deep, deep down, somewhere where sane Sabrina is hiding, I know that many people have MANY more responsibilities than I do right now.  But for whatever reason, in this particular moment, it just feels like too much!!!

The Judgment

Oh, how I feel judged.  Being close to family is AMAZING and SO HELPFUL, but it also gives them a lot of opportunity to judge me on all my shit.  "Sabrina, your car is a mess; you should be embarrassed" (um, I wasn't until you said something - thanks!)."Did you get your car inspected yet?" "Sabrina, your garage still isn't completely unpacked?" "The kids are talking a lot about video games and war."  "Do you have a rich uncle who just died?  You're spending a lot of money."  "Why would you drag all the kids around all day?"  "Your dogs stink; when was the last time you bathed them?" "Did you brush Hazel's hair today?"   "No, seriously, your car is a mess."    And honestly, I feel like if I had just one full day and night of no parental responsibility, I could get it all done!

The Guilt

I always joke that I should have been Catholic because I always feel guilty about everything.  About my parenting, about the entirety of the undone list above, and now, about complaining about my life.  I am so, so blessed.  I know this; truly I do.  I am blessed that my husband will be back in 10 months, and I am blessed that, even from across the ocean, I have his support.  I have a dear friend who's husband was taken from her, another wonderful friend who is in the throes of divorce.  I know that I am blessed to only be a single mom for this next year, and I do feel guilty for feeling like this, but right now I can't help but feel sorry for myself.  And to be honest, I feel BITTER against those who have their husbands by their sides.

I know this is a phase.  I know that, maybe even as soon as tomorrow, I'll be ok and ready to take on the world again, but tonight, and for the past couple weeks, I'm just feeling trampled and a little broken. 

The New Normal

Daniel has been gone for over seven weeks, and in Afghanistan for nearly a month.  In some moments, it feels like the time has gone by so quickly, and we are just getting started.  But in many moments, especially at night, when I think of the numbers, I know that I have to do "this" 11 more times before he's home, and it takes my breath away. 

I don't know how people do this without family around them.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by family that loves me and my kids.  Last week I had a terrible stomach bug, and though it was still really difficult without Daniel, family swept in and helped out.  In the middle of last night, I thought I heard someone in the house, and my mom was here within minutes to check on me.  It makes the year feel so bearable.  Lately the kids and I have been struggling to get along.  Especially Hazel and I.  She is so stubborn, and there is no simple key to pleasing her - not even a "difficult" key; the same thing never works on her twice.  If I'm mean, she throws a fit; if I'm sweet to her, she takes advantage and bosses me.  I've tried being more consistent in punishment, and it really seems to make no difference.  But last night before bed I tried to remember how blessed I am to have each one of them.  I feel like for the past 7 weeks I've been thinking, "If I can just get a break from all 3 kids, I could breath!"  This is my reality, and I need to be grateful that I have my babies to keep me company, make me laugh, keep me busy, and serve as a moment by moment reminder of all that God has given to Daniel and I.

Daniel seems to be doing really well.  He's been in something of a holding time since he arrived in country, waiting to be sent to his unit; that should be happening soon.  The fact concerns me.  On my end it's been very easy so far in that he's calling most days, and chatting on facebook with me a couple times a day.  Knowing he's training and just hanging out on a nice, "safe" installation brings me comfort.  I wonder about where my imagination will go once he's truly "working.". 

I sent my first package to him two weeks ago and it arrived within a week; I'm so impressed with the mail system.  For anyone looking to send regular care packages to soldiers, I have to suggest ordering the large priority boxes from usps.com.  They are free to order, and then, no matter how heavy, they are only $13-something to send to a soldier.  I couldn't believe how easy the process was, and how fast it reached him.  Sending him care packages is a  nice way to feel like I have a little control over his conditions over there.  I have two more ready to go as soon as I get his new address. 

For those of you who may be dropping by and don't know my Daniel and his mwd, Bony, here they are.  I'm so proud!  :)

He's Leaving on a Jet Plane...

Daniel left for Afghanistan in the middle of the night.  It was rough to wake up and know that he was halfway around the world.  Worse now is not knowing exactly where he is and when I'll hear from him.  I'm fearful of the secrets that this year is still hiding from us, but I'm calmer than I expected to be.  This evening I was remembering when Daniel left for Korea.  I was a few months pregnant with our first child, who is now 6.  When I finally got the call from Daniel that he had arrived safely in Korea, I cried all night long.  God has brought me a long way since then.  I'm not the newbie Army wife that I once was, but it still burns like it did back then.  I'm exhausted from caring for all three kids on my own, but I am so grateful for them - for obvious reasons, and also because they fill my days and make sleep so alluring at night. 

We had a really amazing weekend together and I don't at all regret going.  The goodbye was uneventful - we parted in a Sheetz parking lot.  How dramatic can that possibly be?  And he made me drive off first, which was good because you can't sob and drive safely, so the tears were minimal.  The weekend was filled with a lot of "normal", and it was fantastic.

Normal followed us into our conversation last night as well.  It was difficult last night to know how to talk and what to say, and so we filled one another in on very normal happenings.  I felt like I needed to be on the phone with him as much as possible, but there was only so much to say.  We are best friends, and I don't think much goes unsaid between us.  Therefore, what's left to say in those "final" moments before he goes?  Not much, except I love you, I love you, I love you.  No matter how many times I hear it or say it, it's never enough.  Can't wait to hear it again. 

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Well, Daniel has been gone for nearly 3 weeks now, and I'm proud to say we are surviving!  Shout out to Delta Airlines!  Saying goodbye to him at the airport was sooo much easier because of Delta.  They gave me a gate pass to take him all the way to his gate.  I even got to stand and watch his plane take off.  It was great closure to not just watch him walk away from me in the middle of a busy airport.  I was able to watch him board and fly off, then was able to sit with my Carver and collect myself before leaving.  Props to Delta for being SO amazing!  We will absolutely fly with them again!

 So, since I had such a fantastic goodbye experience, I thought I'd do it again.  Yes, I'm a sucker for self torture.  Daniel has been in New Jersey these past 3 weeks waiting for a flight out.  That flight is now set for a week from today.  I'm eager for him to go, as the faster he goes, the faster he returns.  Obviously, though, there are normal concerns with him being in Afghanistan.  Because he has been in Jersey for so long, we have arranged to meet up tomorrow afternoon and spend the weekend together.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about this opportunity.  Clearly I miss him and want to see him.  My fears lie in the fact that I have adjusted to him being gone, I have dealt with a sad goodbye, and I am surviving.  I have worries that I'm going to, in a sense, start the process all over and lose the momentum I've gained.  I'm HOPING that instead it rejuvenates me and, since he isn't coming home but we are meeting in a neutral place, going back to doing things solo will not be overly complicated.  I'll be sure to rate my misery for all my faithful readers once the torture process is complete.  :) 

I thought I would close this post by showing just a few ways in which God has really been showing me His faithfulness these past weeks. 
~I normally HATE staying home alone, and yet not one night have I been fearful being alone.  God has given us such a comfortable, safe home, and it has made all the difference. 
~We have survived a holiday without Daniel already; Easter was enjoyable, though I of course felt sorry for Daniel, celebrating solo with Bony. 
~The kids have had a difficult time adjusting.  By this I mean they have been royal brats.  :)  I am so grateful that I have family who has been so helpful with them.  The kids are coming around and starting to adjust (hence the reason Carver and I are the only ones going to visit Daniel!)
~I have been given confidence in new found independence.  I have set mouse traps (after my amazing cousin and her boyfriend came in the middle of the night to confirm its existence), changed smoke detector batteries, taken out the garbage each week, taken a successful road trip, dealt with a dead car battery (not exactly alone because my wonderful aunt and uncle rescued me!), and today I locked myself out of the house, to be rescued by my mom, who happened to be home from work this morning.  Her being home was such a huge blessing considering that I had locked my phone in the house and was in sweatpants and a tshirt (with no bra), unbrushed teeth and hair, and no coat.  Having to go to her work to get the spare key would have been incredibly humiliating!
~I'm looking forward to God showing His faithfulness to us again and again through this year.