The New Normal

Daniel has been gone for over seven weeks, and in Afghanistan for nearly a month.  In some moments, it feels like the time has gone by so quickly, and we are just getting started.  But in many moments, especially at night, when I think of the numbers, I know that I have to do "this" 11 more times before he's home, and it takes my breath away. 

I don't know how people do this without family around them.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by family that loves me and my kids.  Last week I had a terrible stomach bug, and though it was still really difficult without Daniel, family swept in and helped out.  In the middle of last night, I thought I heard someone in the house, and my mom was here within minutes to check on me.  It makes the year feel so bearable.  Lately the kids and I have been struggling to get along.  Especially Hazel and I.  She is so stubborn, and there is no simple key to pleasing her - not even a "difficult" key; the same thing never works on her twice.  If I'm mean, she throws a fit; if I'm sweet to her, she takes advantage and bosses me.  I've tried being more consistent in punishment, and it really seems to make no difference.  But last night before bed I tried to remember how blessed I am to have each one of them.  I feel like for the past 7 weeks I've been thinking, "If I can just get a break from all 3 kids, I could breath!"  This is my reality, and I need to be grateful that I have my babies to keep me company, make me laugh, keep me busy, and serve as a moment by moment reminder of all that God has given to Daniel and I.

Daniel seems to be doing really well.  He's been in something of a holding time since he arrived in country, waiting to be sent to his unit; that should be happening soon.  The fact concerns me.  On my end it's been very easy so far in that he's calling most days, and chatting on facebook with me a couple times a day.  Knowing he's training and just hanging out on a nice, "safe" installation brings me comfort.  I wonder about where my imagination will go once he's truly "working.". 

I sent my first package to him two weeks ago and it arrived within a week; I'm so impressed with the mail system.  For anyone looking to send regular care packages to soldiers, I have to suggest ordering the large priority boxes from usps.com.  They are free to order, and then, no matter how heavy, they are only $13-something to send to a soldier.  I couldn't believe how easy the process was, and how fast it reached him.  Sending him care packages is a  nice way to feel like I have a little control over his conditions over there.  I have two more ready to go as soon as I get his new address. 

For those of you who may be dropping by and don't know my Daniel and his mwd, Bony, here they are.  I'm so proud!  :)

He's Leaving on a Jet Plane...

Daniel left for Afghanistan in the middle of the night.  It was rough to wake up and know that he was halfway around the world.  Worse now is not knowing exactly where he is and when I'll hear from him.  I'm fearful of the secrets that this year is still hiding from us, but I'm calmer than I expected to be.  This evening I was remembering when Daniel left for Korea.  I was a few months pregnant with our first child, who is now 6.  When I finally got the call from Daniel that he had arrived safely in Korea, I cried all night long.  God has brought me a long way since then.  I'm not the newbie Army wife that I once was, but it still burns like it did back then.  I'm exhausted from caring for all three kids on my own, but I am so grateful for them - for obvious reasons, and also because they fill my days and make sleep so alluring at night. 

We had a really amazing weekend together and I don't at all regret going.  The goodbye was uneventful - we parted in a Sheetz parking lot.  How dramatic can that possibly be?  And he made me drive off first, which was good because you can't sob and drive safely, so the tears were minimal.  The weekend was filled with a lot of "normal", and it was fantastic.

Normal followed us into our conversation last night as well.  It was difficult last night to know how to talk and what to say, and so we filled one another in on very normal happenings.  I felt like I needed to be on the phone with him as much as possible, but there was only so much to say.  We are best friends, and I don't think much goes unsaid between us.  Therefore, what's left to say in those "final" moments before he goes?  Not much, except I love you, I love you, I love you.  No matter how many times I hear it or say it, it's never enough.  Can't wait to hear it again. 

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Well, Daniel has been gone for nearly 3 weeks now, and I'm proud to say we are surviving!  Shout out to Delta Airlines!  Saying goodbye to him at the airport was sooo much easier because of Delta.  They gave me a gate pass to take him all the way to his gate.  I even got to stand and watch his plane take off.  It was great closure to not just watch him walk away from me in the middle of a busy airport.  I was able to watch him board and fly off, then was able to sit with my Carver and collect myself before leaving.  Props to Delta for being SO amazing!  We will absolutely fly with them again!

 So, since I had such a fantastic goodbye experience, I thought I'd do it again.  Yes, I'm a sucker for self torture.  Daniel has been in New Jersey these past 3 weeks waiting for a flight out.  That flight is now set for a week from today.  I'm eager for him to go, as the faster he goes, the faster he returns.  Obviously, though, there are normal concerns with him being in Afghanistan.  Because he has been in Jersey for so long, we have arranged to meet up tomorrow afternoon and spend the weekend together.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about this opportunity.  Clearly I miss him and want to see him.  My fears lie in the fact that I have adjusted to him being gone, I have dealt with a sad goodbye, and I am surviving.  I have worries that I'm going to, in a sense, start the process all over and lose the momentum I've gained.  I'm HOPING that instead it rejuvenates me and, since he isn't coming home but we are meeting in a neutral place, going back to doing things solo will not be overly complicated.  I'll be sure to rate my misery for all my faithful readers once the torture process is complete.  :) 

I thought I would close this post by showing just a few ways in which God has really been showing me His faithfulness these past weeks. 
~I normally HATE staying home alone, and yet not one night have I been fearful being alone.  God has given us such a comfortable, safe home, and it has made all the difference. 
~We have survived a holiday without Daniel already; Easter was enjoyable, though I of course felt sorry for Daniel, celebrating solo with Bony. 
~The kids have had a difficult time adjusting.  By this I mean they have been royal brats.  :)  I am so grateful that I have family who has been so helpful with them.  The kids are coming around and starting to adjust (hence the reason Carver and I are the only ones going to visit Daniel!)
~I have been given confidence in new found independence.  I have set mouse traps (after my amazing cousin and her boyfriend came in the middle of the night to confirm its existence), changed smoke detector batteries, taken out the garbage each week, taken a successful road trip, dealt with a dead car battery (not exactly alone because my wonderful aunt and uncle rescued me!), and today I locked myself out of the house, to be rescued by my mom, who happened to be home from work this morning.  Her being home was such a huge blessing considering that I had locked my phone in the house and was in sweatpants and a tshirt (with no bra), unbrushed teeth and hair, and no coat.  Having to go to her work to get the spare key would have been incredibly humiliating!
~I'm looking forward to God showing His faithfulness to us again and again through this year. 

The Last Resort

I have avoided this post as long as possible.  The post where I will share that the "idea of the lasts" is not just creeping in, but becoming overwhelming.  We are officially one week out from Daniel leaving to go back to Bragg, and then on to Afghanistan within the few days that follow.  Therefore, this is our last Saturday night together until at least mid-tour.  Tomorrow is our last Sunday morning together.  Wednesday we will watch our last episodes of our favorites, The Middle and Modern Family.  I hate the way this knowledge blankets every little moment, making me constantly wonder if the very thing we are doing is our last until he returns. 

On top of that is the fear that what if this is our true last.  That thought creeps in throughout the day and night and steals my breath before I even realize I'm thinking of it...though in a way I'm always thinking of it.  It is always in the back of my mind, to the point that he feels so incredibly mortal to me that I find myself growing nervous every time he goes to the store, picks up Julian from school, or simply leaves my side.  It's a quiet kind of worry.  It's not the kind that makes me comment aloud, and I don't think it necessarily causes me to outwardly act any differently.  It just breaks my heart...and encourages my prayer life.

Last week Daniel and I bought a little sign for our bedroom that says, "The Last Resort".  Our room has a beachy theme to it, and so we liked the play on words with the idea of a "resort".  Then, somewhere between bringing it home and putting it in it's place, I feared that it was some sort of bad omen.  Like "The Last Resort" insinuated a more final "last".  Oh, how the mind is a cruel thing in the face of  a feared situation.  So in an attempt to alleviate my sudden hatred for the adorable little decor, I made Daniel promise to write me an encouraging message on the bottom of it.  If that doesn't make me feel better, I may have to move the little thing to the closet.

I am very happy to say that in spite of the little sign, we are settling rather nicely into our new home.  I feel very comfortable here, and will soon post more pictures of the house.  I need to finish a couple boxes for the kitchen, and I still need to tackle the kids' rooms, but everything is coming together nicely.  

I needed to write this post to admit to myself how I'm feeling, I guess.  I can only think of one other occassion in my life when I didn't want to talk through a problem.  Typically I am the type who likes to pour out all my thoughts and feelings, and so it scares me a little that I want to avoid any conversation about his leaving.  Maybe it's the fear of saying my concerns aloud?  Or admitting that he is really, truly going?  The main reason for this blog, however, was to have a place to store and dump such feelings, so I hope I feel better after signing off tonight.  If nothing else, I can climb into bed with my husband in our mostly unpacked, decorated, put together bedroom.

Far from my last,
Sabrina

Virginia is for Lovers

We "should" have been waking up in Pa this morning, but it wasn't to be.  Instead we are in Lynchburg, Va, with six hours of trip ahead of us.  We were wanting to clear housing Thursday morning, but they refused to do it without Daniel's orders.  Without his orders, they were going to charge us an entire additional 30 days of rent.  So we waited...and waited...and waited.  Through this waiting it was HARD to keep the love dare going.  Daniel and I were both irritable, and I was trying to put my best foot forward and be calm and sweet.  I let a couple moments get the best of me, but I think overall I did better than I might have normally.  Daniel might not agree...

Today's dare is to greet him in a way that isn't typical and that shows my love for him.  I have six hours of driving to Pa to plot how to greet him when we get there...  appropriate suggestions welcome.  :)

Last night we made it about 4 hours and needed to stop b/c of the rain and darkness - I can't see worth anything in the rain and dark when driving.  So today I'm  praying for clear vision, focused mind, and easy traveling!  So excited to finally get into Pa, though I'm fearful that once we are there I'll feel more like the clock is ticking on our time together.  More on that another day.

Double Dog Dare Ya

I'm writing from the comfort of a hotel room with my three babies asleep around me (finally!).  It's as if they all gave in at once and tuckered out within just a couple of minutes of each other.  My incredibly amazing husband is finishing up some stuff at the house.  For some reason, we always have a ridiculous amount of garbage every time we move.  By the time I get to day three or four of packing, I start just throwing things into the garbage piles.  Then, by the end, we have garbage galore.  So tonight, after spending the day loading the moving truck and helping me clean, Daniel is dealing with the garbage and packing his military gear.  It is in these "little" ways that I am reminded how good I have it! 

As we've been packing and focusing on this move the last few days, I've also been doing The Love Dare.  If you have never heard of it, it's an amazing book that challenges couples (or just one partner) to show love to their spouse in different ways for 40 days.  This is the second time I've done the dare.  I felt that with Daniel preparing to leave it would be a "fun" way to show him my love and gratitude for the husband that he is.  I'm ashamed to say that Daniel is naturally more selfless and loving than I am, and this book makes me consciously consider my words/thought/actions/attitude towards him throughout the day.  For the first few days of the dare I could say nothing negative to him.  When we are stressed and moving and packing and with each other constantly, that is HARD!  This time doing the dare I told him about it in advance, whereas before I kept it a secret.  It has been fun this time to discuss it together.  Yesterday my dare was to not act irritable in any way.  I am generally irritable.  Lol.  So to not be irritable when we were doing so much packing felt impossible.  But I was amazed at how easy it was after a few days of the dare and focusing my prayers on being loving towards Daniel.  I'll continue to mention how the dare is going throughout the duration.

Once Daniel leaves, I think I'm going to configure the dare to do it towards Julian and Hazel.  I should have plenty of time to dwell on it during the next couple days, as we are beginning our drive to Pa tomorrow.  I'm anxious about the trip, as I will be driving one of our vehicles.  This is definitely a first.  The furthest distance I have ever driven is 3 hours; the entirety of this trip is 10.  So in an effort to be a brave big girl, I'm doing the grown up thing and driving one of the cars to Pa.  God grant me the...well, everything.  So far it looks like He's granting me a lot of wonderful in regards to weather, and I'm grateful!  I think this trip could be an encouragement to me on the idea of surviving this next year while Daniel is in Afghanistan.
 
I'm not feeling ready to deal with my feelings on Afghanistan.  I have a lot of fears, and it's not that I'm in denial, but I'm having a hard time imagining how it's going to be with him gone for so long.  Although we have been separated for such a long time before, we are more "us" than we were then.  I pray this is going to bring us closer in the long run.  Ultimately I pray for his safe return.
Well, for the last time, at least for awhile, love from NC!

Comrades

A lot has been happening these past few weeks, and I am, as always, overwhelmed by the goodness of our God.  Last Monday, after daniel had returned from certification, we were informed that his deployment was being moved up a month.  Since he was already deploying in less than 2 months, moving it up a month was kind of a big deal.  Daniel's kennel master called us in to discuss the change.  I'll be honest - I thought I knew how this conversation would go.  "Mrs. Sandoval, this isn't our fault, it's the fault of someone much more important than me.  If I could help I would.  This is how the Army is sometimes.  Blah Blah Blah."  I nestled onto the couch in the kennels day room, took a deep breath, and practiced my "this is my happy attitude" face.  My practiced expression was quickly replaced with surprise when Webster, the kennel master, instead asked, "What do you need from me?"
"Uh..."
"I want to help you prepare a plan to take to the commander, and then to battalion and brigade," he explained.  "Lets find a date that works for everyone."
I was shocked, astounded, and a number of other synonyms for surprise.  With Daniel and Web, we created a plan that would allow us our 30 days of leave as a family, give us time to settle into our new home as a family of five, and have daniel in country at a time that would please everyone.  The friendliness and kindness from Web was something I had never encountered so easily with chain of command, and I am so incredibly grateful.


A TRIBUTE

DIANE

Also last week, I was surprised when my childhood best friend asked if she could come visit.  She flew in Thursday morning and we had a wonderful long weekend catching up.  Diane and I ventured through a lot together growing up.  We went from playing barbies, to boy talk, to weddings, to babies. She reminded me how blessed I am to have friends from all around the country, and her very presence made me think of all the friends I have made with each move. 

 LESLIE

Leslie was my very first Army friend.  Her husband, Josh, worked with Daniel, and I met them within days of arriving at Fort Leonard Wood, just after Daniel and I were married.  She took me under her wing and taught me so much.  We had sleepovers when our husband were away, we shopped together, cried together, fumed together, laughed together.  She was my best friend.  When our husbands both went to Korea, I even stayed with Leslie for some of the time.  This past July, she lost her husband in Afghanistan.  Even in her grief, she continues to teach me about strength, grace, and life.  I am so honored to have such a beautiful woman as my friend.

JOLENE

I met Jolene within a couple months of moving to Fort Campbell.  I was in search of my Leslie replacement at our new duty station, and after leaving a dinner party at Jolene's I told Daniel, "I found my Leslie".  Like Les, she was more knowledgeable about everything - the military, marriage, raising children, and just life.  We were inseparable, and when her husband deployed, I felt that Jolene and her two girls became an extension of our family.  Leaving her when we moved on was achingly hard for me.  I still consider her one of my best friends, though life has gotten in the way as of late and we talk less often that we'd like.

HEATHER

It took a long time to find my Leslie-Jolene when we moved into the recruiting world.  We were no longer surrounded by other army families who understood the need to make friends quickly and intensely.  I met Heather at a Bible Study more than 6 months after we moved to the area.  Until that time, I had essentially been friendless.  I had a few people who were friendly to me, but no one that I could confide in, celebrate with.  No one to provide playmates for my kids.  I was the loneliest I had ever been.  When Heather took me in as a friend, our recruiting town became home.  Heather also taught me a lot through our laughter and tears.  She taught me a lot about motherhood, and a great deal about living life as a christian mom and wife.  Together we took on the children's program at church, and we became incredibly close.  Today, she is still the person I go to on a daily basis for friendship, advice, laughter and sympathy.  I miss her terribly.

JESSICA

I met Jessica the day her husband returned from Afghanistan.  There was a homecoming at the kennels, and because we were new to Fort Bragg, I wanted to go along with the hope of meeting people. As most military friendships go, we bonded quickly.  Because our husband's mostly work the same schedule, we have a lot of opportunity to simply hang out together.  She was a comfort when I was expecting our third child in a foreign place to us, and she has been a wealth of knowledge and help related to fort Bragg and Daniel's upcoming deployment.  Even upon leaving, I know her friendship will be one that will continue despite the distance.

Considering the best friends God has given me along the way is a comfort with this move and daniel's deployment approaching.  He has shown faithful with each move that He will not only provide my needs, but He provides comfort and friendship each time.  While I may feel that my world is upside down, I know He is a friend who cares and is going to provide for me, for Daniel, for the kids. It's those little assurances that are so comforting right now.