He's HOME!!!!

I am so dreadful about keeping up with things in life.  I start them, and I'm fired up about it and so excited.  And then it fizzles.  I had great intentions for this blog while Daniel was away - I planned to update at least weekly.  But most times it was easier to stay busy and not think about the process of surviving each day, and so I rarely wrote.  And when I did write, it was typically in a moment of strength, and not one of the many moments when I was terrified or distraught.
I remember one night in particular I was missing Daniel terribly.  His internet had been out and I hadn't heard from him, so I logged in to his facebook to peruse around and feel a little closer to him.  I was reading some of his messages and a friend from our previous church had emailed him a few days before saying, "I just had the strongest urge to pray for you and Bony at such and such time on such and such day."  Daniel's response was that he couldn't go into details, but he and Bony so achingly needed prayer at that moment, and he was grateful to our friend Jeff for heeding God's urging.  I was a mess.  In hindsight, I should have felt a peace that God was taking care of Daniel in each and every way.  But instead I could only see that Daniel had been on a mission and had not given me his secret password before hand to let me know.  Suddenly I began wondering how often he went without telling me, and how often the internet was truly out vs. how often he was on mission.  My amazing husband had been selfless and wise enough to lead me to believe that he rarely did anything but twiddle his thumbs back at their main base.  That night I was a wreck.  I prayed and cried and continually went to the window to make sure there wasn't a car waiting across the street.  I'm not entirely sure how the process goes, and THANK GOD it doesn't seem that I'll ever find out first hand, but in my head I was sure that a soldier and a chaplain would show up to tell me the horrible news, and should it be the middle of the night, they would sit like stalkers in their cars until it was a reasonable time to wake me and shatter my world.  Thus, every car door sent me into hysterics.  It was a long, miserable, hard night.  When I heard from Daniel again, I asked him if he was on mission and he laughed and said, "No, silly.  Our internet was out."  My heart couldn't bear for that to be a lie, and so I believed it as much as I could each time he said it.  When he came home for good he told me that he was on WAY more missions that I had even suspected, and I am SO grateful for his wisdom in lying to me all those months.  I could not have dealt with a night like that one a few times a week.  God is so good, and Daniel is so wise.

Daniel is home now.  For good.  Oh, to say it.  To see it in writing.  To breathe it in and revel in it.  I was so afraid this would never be our reality.  I would waffle back and forth thinking, "Of course he will come home alive!" and then, "So many don't...why do I think my husband will?"  But he did!  April 20-something (yeah, i know; it's horrid that i don't remember the date, but it was changed so many times!) I met him in the parking lot at Fort Bragg Kennels.  It was incredibly low key.  He climbed from the van while very few of us gathered around.  The LT, the kennel master, the commander, the 1SG and the wife of JB, who returned with Daniel.  I'll only say that I'm disgusted at the lack of effort in a homecoming for our k9 guys, and I'll leave it at that.  Anyway, I greeted him in the parking lot, and if you remember, I said goodbye to him in a Sheetz parking lot in Bloomsburg when he officially left me for Afghanistan.  Guess we have a thing for parking lots.

Daniel and I spent the next couple days in something of a honeymoon like bliss.  My wonderful mom had ALL THREE CHILDREN!!!! (bless her crazy soul!) and Daniel and I drove to Myrtle Beach in our rented Mustang and hid away from the world for a couple days.  It was wonderful.  I flew back up to PA to prep for our move, and Daniel showed up that weekend to help (and to see the kids for the first time since coming home!). 

Hazel was SO surprised when Daddy picked her up at Preschool.  Happiest.Girl.Ever.  Julian spotted Daniel's surprise attempt at his school before we could capture a picture.

Moving sucked, as it always does, but we had wonderful, amazing friends and family to help.  I am certain that I could NOT have done it without Daniel there, and I am SO grateful that it worked out for him to be there and he was willing to make the effort to do so!  Honestly, if I could have hid away for the process, I would have!  We put everything into a storage unit and the kids and I moved in with Aunt Sue while Daniel returned to Bragg.  Within a month he should be on terminal leave, and by July the military would be a part of our past and not our present.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

"The best laid plans of mice and men..."  Or soldiers and their families, in this case.  We are living in a little apartment in Bragg with only our bare essentials and a lot of yard sale steals surrounding us.  But I'll tell that story another day.  Until then, know that we are HAPPY and TOGETHER and GRATEFUL!!!!!

Countdown!!!

It has been a busy couple weeks in our family, and now I'm at the awkward calm before the storm, where I feel like there is SOMETHING I should be doing, but everything has to wait for a certain time, and now is not that time.  First and foremost, moving.  Moving has been consuming a lot of time, a lot of thought, a lot of stress.  I hate it.  HATE it.  I wish I could think of a stronger, more defining word for how much I loathe it, because it would be that word, x about 100, give or take.  But right now, everything is packed.  The house feels like a DISASTER b/c the few things that we need to live somewhat comfortably are strewn about with no real place to go.  Clothes are in ThirtyOne totes stacked on dressers, paper plates and cups are stacked in the kitchen, and food that needs no real prep material is scattered about the kitchen.  I hate moving!!!!  And without even realizing it, last night was my last night in the house, as I am going on a trip and then we make the move into my aunt's and uncle's.  I was downright sad to leave this house, but, as always, after packing and prepping to move, I'm ready to go!

In WAY more EXCITING news:  I see my husband VERY VERY VERY soon!!!!!!!!  Like I could count it in days or hours as opposed to weeks and months!!!!  My poor children have no idea of mine and Daniel's reunion because I'm a terrible, selfish mother. :)  Smiley face aside, I really do feel badly for lying to them.  I'm meeting Daniel at Fort Bragg and will spend 3 glorious days with him, then return to our kiddos and the final stages of moving.  It was not at all practical to take the three kids with me, and I know if I told them I was going they would NEVER forgive me.  I feel incredibly guilty, and just to test my theory, I asked Julian the other day if he would be mad at me if I saw Daddy but he couldn't (yeah, my own guilt brought on a bad idea).  So J said, "I would probably never forgive you, why?!" and in my amazing motherly ways, I lied, "because I got to facetime with him earlier while you were at school.  Are you mad?"  He seemed disgruntled but quickly forgot about it.  Regardless, it proved that my reunion has to be TOP SECRET.  So consider yourself part of a very secret club...and don't tell my kids!!!  No, seriously, don't tell my kids.  Someday, very far away, when they are adults and married and understand the value of good sex and private time with their spouse...I probably still won't tell them.

A lot of family is coming together to make my trip possible.  My mom and her husband are taking ALL THREE KIDS while I am gone, which is huge.  And exhausting.  And I am so grateful.  My mother in law is staying with the pups at my house and keeping an eye on things, which is another huge burden lifted (because living in this packing hell is NOT fun!).  And other family members are on standby to help with the kids when the moment arises.   Gosh, I am grateful.  How many people have this kind of support?  Not all, that's for sure!

Well, I'm off to count days and hours and give my kids extra kisses before I go!

 

Movin, movin, movin

I hate moving.  Well, I hate this side of moving.  The packing, sorting, loading, planning, prep, and praying that everyone who offered to help on the big day will be able to show!  I hate it.  And it has started, maybe even a week too late.  The moving truck comes in two weeks and 4 days, and I don't know how I'll be ready, because though I have lived in 17 different houses in my life (some more than once), I have never, ever packed up a house of 5 people all.by.my.self.  I hate it.

And in the middle of all that, I feel like there is a lot more of this than normal:



And not nearly enough of this:

In addition to our move, we are planning for after-Army life through my constant job hunt.  I'm applying to jobs every day, and today I had a phone interview.  It's hard to not know where we are going to end up, maybe even more than in Army life, because at least then we knew we had an Army community to fall back on.  Wherever we are going, there most likely will not be that.

Well, just wanted to throw in a quick update.  I have some hints to when D should be stateside, but am not willing to even put a hint of it into print for fear of jinxing it.

One Year

Daniel left one year ago today.  One year ago today we woke early and cuddled together on the couch while watching an episode of Spartacus together.  We had coffee and tried very hard to pretend that we weren't afraid of the hours, days, months and year to come.  We loaded the car with his suitcase, then drove to my mother in laws where Daniel said a difficult goodbye to Hazel and Julian, as we didn't want to take them to the airport and put them through the drama of watching him board a plane and truly leave; it felt easier to leave them in the distracting care of cousins, gramma, and Auntie.  We then picked up my mom and her husband and with Carver drove to the airport.  My post from April 11 goes into a little more detail about that amazingness of Delta Airlines and our time at the airport  http://sabrinasarmylife.blogspot.com/2012/04/great-is-thy-faithfulness.html.  It was a hard goodbye and as much as I tried to not even consider it, I remember memorizing his face, his mannerisms, his voice, his everything for "just in case."  Still today, I can close my eyes and see him standing at the gate, his backpack slung over his shoulder, giving me a last look before boarding, a look that seemed to say, "I never wanted this for us" and maybe even "I'm sorry."

That was a year ago today.  I try to think back over everything that has happened in that time and am overwhelmed, both with good and challenging.  I am so much more independent now that I ever dreamed of being before.  The kids and I have come a long way in adjusting, and Daniel and I have grown separately and grown together.  I am proud of myself, proud of my children, SO SO proud of my husband.  And I am Thankful.  My word, am I thankful.  To family that took me in weekend after weekend when I needed loving voices in earshot, companions surrounding me, other mothers as watchful eyes to my babies when my own eyes were too tired.  To family that scooped up my older two many a night and distracted them with fun activities and sleepovers while I rested and recuperated with Carver.  Friends who listened while I whined, complained, boo-hoo'd, woe'd is me, and pouted.  Friends who were always up to grabbing a drink and lending an ear.  I am thankful for my husband, who was patient as I rode various waves of emotion - anger, jealousy, uncertainty, fear, triumph.  Julian, who acted as the little man in our house even though I never meant to ask it of him.  Many a times he has helped me and been so brave, so big, so far beyond his six or seven years, always forgiving me for my shortcomings.  Hazel, who had a big year of changes in trying to figure out how to cope in this big, big world.  She is (for the most part) such a delight these days and so far from the little girl who would throw fits every few minutes (oh, I think back on those months and want to weep for the difficulty of it all; I thought we would never see the other side of it!).  For Carv, who is growing up with just a mother now and knows very little else, but has a big heart and will welcome and adore his Daddy.  For God.  For allowing my husband to survive, for allowing all of us to survive, in every sense of the word.  For helping us to grow, for forgiving me in my doubt and fear, for loving me in my ugliness, for making us new every single day.


We still aren't done.  Daniel is still in Afghanistan for a few more weeks, maybe even another month or so.  But there is a light at the end of the tunnel that flickers and winks when I start to feel overwhelmed, and I am thrilled at the closeness of making it through.  We have made it a year.  God, let us finish strong and safe and in joy.

The Final Rest Stop Blues

I am terrible at road trips.  I wiggle and sigh, hmph as I calculate miles into minutes.  While the entirety of the trip is a thorn in my side (and in the side of whoever I'm riding with), the last portion is absolutely, positively the worst.  If the trip is 3 hours, you can bet that I'm completely miserable that last hour.  If it's 12 hours, then hour 9 and on is going to be excruciating.  When Daniel and I would live far from family and travel home for holidays, I would beg to just keep going those last few hours.  I would cross my legs, ignore my thirsty lips, and beg the gas to hold out if it meant that we wouldn't have to stop within that last awful stint.  Because stopping just seemed to make it worse.  We would stand at the rest stop, stretching, and all the while I knew I had to climb back in that darned car and continue on.  And Daniel would say, "We only have ___ more to go; we're almost there!"  And that made it even worse.
Right now, in this deployment, I feel like I'm at the last rest stop.  That part where I'm thirsty, I need to pee, I want to stretch, I'm running out of gas, but if I stop I might not be able to get back into that car and onto that road. 
I have to say that I can't imagine the feelings of those who have lost loved ones (not just in the military, but in general).  Because after some time, people go back to their normal lives and forget that your world still hurts and is dark and can be overwhelmingly sucky.  Please, please, please don't think I'm comparing this deployment as a whole to losing a loved one - I truly do know how blessed I am and that isn't what I mean by that statement.  I have, however, watched as everyone assumes that time has passed and you're good as gold with your new reality.  Somewhere along the line people stopped saying, "I don't know how you're doing it" to "I don't know how you did it."  Did it?  I didn't realize I "did" it already.  Last time I checked I was still DOING it.  I still have some 7 weeks to go, and while that is a VERY small in comparison to the 46-ish weeks I have already done, I am still not at the end.  And here, at this last rest stop, where it feels like people have forgotten to ask if I need help, if I'm doing ok, if I just need some company or a break from my little blessings who are driving me bat-poo crazy, here it feels like the hardest part of the trip.

If I can get past the mental part of all of this, though, we really are in an amazing place, and every once in a while, after a rare night of good sleep, I can see that shimmer of awesomeness.  Daniel isn't likely to be on any more missions before he comes home, and although our communication has been taken away at this time, it's so reassuring to know that he is, for the most part, in a safe place.  While we have no idea of the future months upon his return, they can be fun to consider when I don't let them overwhelm me.  Currently I am hunting for an English teaching job and I am trying not to let the encouragement and discouragement of others on where I should and should not be hunting tear me down.  Everyone has an opinion, few have a plan. 

Aside from the daily stress of getting through each day and the unspecific worry of our future, I had a job interview on Monday.  I interviewed two hours from home at a residential facility for delinquent teen girls.  I'm awaiting hearing back from the facility, but I have a lot of reservations both ways, and the unknown has never been easy for me.  The other night, though, while reading my book about praying for my hubs I came across this verse: "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."  I still have panicked and pitied myself and worried since then, but when I allow myself to be reasonable enough to bring it to mind, it's a huge comfort. 

I suppose it's time to leave the figurative rest stop and climb back into the car.  I'm going to try hard to leave my self-pity, bitterness and worry behind, and maybe along the way I can pick up a dose of gratitude and trust on the side of the road.

I've Got the Power

You know that super catchy 90's song "I've Got the Power"?  It's stuck in my head now.  Why?  Oh, I'm so glad you asked! 
My dear friend Heather gave me the book "Praying God's Word for your Husband" for Christmas.  We hadn't talked about it at all; she simply messaged me one day and said she got this book for me and it should be arriving soon.  It came while Daniel was home on leave, so I looked it over quickly, then tucked it away until I "had time."  Yesterday morning I decided it was time that I make time.  Make time for the book, but more accurately make time to start doing morning devotions.  It's been a LONG time since I've started my day with God, and looking back, it's amazing to me that He has allowed this year to go so smoothly with me ambling my way through it each day with merely a harried, desperate prayer here and there.  So yesterday I started the book and read the first chapter, titled How to Use this Book.  I wasn't sure I was going to like it.  It sounded like it was written for women who were in a struggling marriage and they didn't particularly want to pray for their husbands, but their marriage depended on such an act.  Please don't think I'm bragging, because God knows Daniel and I have had our bumps and downright large friggen pot holes along the way, but for the most part, we are in a happy, healthy, and very loving marriage.  So I thought, "well, I'll give the book a couple more days, and if it doesn't suit, maybe I can think of a friend to give it to".  Today I made my coffee after dropping J and H at school (measuring out each bit and adding it to my fitness tracker like every good chubby girl does just after the new year) and snuggled up on the couch to begin reading while Carver roamed the living room munching on his pancakeys (watching him slobber all over them and leave little pieces on my floor is a lot cuter if I call them pancakeYs, trust me).  Ok, anyway, back to the book.  Today's chapter was titled Preparing Your Heart for Prayer for your Husband.  It was a short chapter, but it really emphasized to me the idea that maybe this book was for a troubled marriage instead of "my" marriage.  Since it was so short I decided to read one more and then if it doesn't pick up I'll shelf it for now.  The next chapter was Why Pray this Way.  I didn't get far.  Not because it wasn't good, but because suddenly, it was speaking to me and my prayer design.  The author, Kathi Lipp, started the chapter by saying, "When Roger and I were first married, I took the shooting-gallery approach to praying for him" (Lipp, p31).  Um, YEAH!  That sounds similar to my prayers!  God, be with Daniel.  Keep him safe.  Give him Christian friends there.  Help him to stay healthy and heal his cold quickly if it's your will.  I pray he isn't lonely but misses us enough to want to come home.  If it's your will, bring him home....  nope, can't say that one, because I can't deal with it not being His will, so I often just ignore that piece.  Pow, pow, pow.  Did I hit every area of his life to cover him enough in prayer? 
Now let me clarify, it's not that I don't WANT to pray for him, but the thoughts of all his needs and what exactly he needs prayer for overwhelms me, and I'm tired and overwhelmed and WHAT IF what I want for him isn't what God wants for him?  So I just skip over that part, like when the kids ask if I'll get them a snack and I pretend not to hear them in hopes they forget.
So now, I'm intrigued, and I keep reading.  How does she pray now that makes it different?  Is it really a method so substantial that it can completely alter my prayer life for more than just a few days?  This is when I really started to get interested: she said that she always prayed "your will be done" or "I want what you want, God".  Yep, that's how I pray!  Isn't that how all good Christians pray?  Especially us Baptists! :)  And then, doesn't it feel almost a little silly to pray?  Like I'm just reminding God that His ideas are the best and that's what we will go with?  Now please don't think I'm saying that isn't true - God's ideas obviously ARE the best and that's what I want to be ok with, but praying that way feels invaluable, impersonal, and redundant.  So how to change it? 
Pray the scriptures!  Duh (I use that phrase a lot and while I was student teaching my ninth graders informed me it wasn't cool anymore and hadn't been for a long time; I just can't seem to let it go, though!).  I have always, since the time I was small, been taught that the Bible and the scriptures are a sword we can use in battle.  Arm yourself!  Learn your verses (and you can win a small gold fish at the end of the year!).  But for whatever reason, in the way she said it at that moment, I got it.  If I pray the scriptures, then why do I need to say "your will"?  It's the scriptures!  Of course it's His will!  So "God, please be a refuge and strength to Daniel.  Show him that you are his ever-present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1).  "God, help Daniel to be righteous.  You say that 'the righteous person may have many troubles, but but the Lord delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken" (Psalm 34: 19-20).  
I've got the power.  Not because I'm so strong and great and righteous.  Because God has GIVEN it to me in His word.  "Sabrina, here is my plan for you in all these pages.  Pray my will - you'll find it RIGHT HERE.  And then, you will be awarded the desires of your heart because if you are praying the scriptures and seeking them out, then you are a women after My heart, and My will."  My will will mesh with His because we'll be on the same page.  DUH, Sabrina!  :)  "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you" (John 15:7).  God can promise me this because if I'm in his words, my desires are His.  I'll continue in chapter 3 tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to it!

I'll continue my telling of leave tomorrow.  I've yacked enough today.  :) 

Leave - The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Leave has come and gone, and we are now 5 days into his second part of the deployment which, thankfully, is only about 4 months long.
Now, leave is a wonderful concept.  It's something to look forward to when they board that plane for the first time; it's a reprieve that seems attainable.  Daniel and I waited until month 8 of his deployment for him to take leave, and since he was at Fort Dix awaiting a flight to Afghanistan for a month, we were technically at the 9 month mark of living separately.  So leave was still far off when he left the first time, but it still felt a lot closer than the end of the deployment.  I tried to listen to the advice of all my fellow Army spouses when it came to planning leave - make time for just our little family, don't rush around the whole time, just be together as a family.  So, with this advice in mind, Daniel and I planned our leave.  It fell over Christmas break, so we would use the holiday to see extended family.  Also, Carv's first birthday took place while D was home, so we planned a party so we could see family and friends all at once, thus freeing up more days for just us and the kids.  To enhance our time as just our little family of five, we booked a two night vacay for Great Wolf Lodge in Ohio.  Finally, because he came home almost a week after originally planned, he was going to be here for New Year's, so we decided to go visit some friends out of town.  So we had 16 days in which to have Carver's bday, Christmas, vacation, and a visit to friends.  It seemed simple enough and seemed to offer a lot of family time.
Leave, Day One:  Daniel flew into Pitt around 5 the evening of the 19th.  My wonderful cousin Olivia watched the baby during the day, and my mom took them for the evening.  My cousin Samantha did my hair and makeup, and my aunt, Samantha, and friend Josh helped pick my outfit a few days before.  I was ready!  The airport, and Delta specifically, was amazing and let me go to the gate to greet him.  Seeing him walk out of the gate was incredible.  There he was, right in front of me, and suddenly it seemed like he hadn't even been gone.  I know that sounds so cheesy, but we were us again.  We left the airport and went to my mom's to surprise the kids, who had no idea what their "Christmas surprise" was going to be.  Their faces when they saw their daddy were incredible!  Julian's mouth just hung open, and then he ran to Daniel.  Hazel didn't even realize what was happening just behind her (daniel and julian reuniting) and was chatting away until she saw him.  Then, after a moment of uncertainty of what to do, she ran to him as well.  They were so cute, trying to steal his attention, climbing all over him, just loving having him home.  Carv was leery, but still played with him from afar or from the safety of my arms.  The first night together as a family was wonderful, and leave was off to a great start.   

I love the kids faces in this picture; it's so indicative of how we all felt.  Hazel - not really sure what to think of it all, but just HAPPY!!!  Julian - absolute bliss.  Carver - Who heck is this guy??  Lol.

------------------------------->  Insert Unexpected Life Events Here. <------------------------------------
On day two of Daniel's leave my mom called me about mid afternoon.  My grampa had fallen at a bank on Main street and was at the hospital.  My mom was more than a half hour away and asked me to go over with my aunt to see how grampa was.  I was shocked to go in and find him on a back-board, his head braced still, a huge bloody gash on his head.  A CT scan had revealed that he was bleeding on the brain, and before we could even take it all in, they were rushing him to a hospital in Pitt that was more capable of handling his situation.  I couldn't believe it, and still cant.  A fall??  He fell down four steps.  FOUR.  Is this really going to be what causes my strong, independent grandfather of 88 to deteriorate?  It seemed like a sick joke.

Sunday morning, day 4 of leave, I woke up early with my hands feeling swollen and itchy.  A look in the mirror told me something was wrong; my lips were puffy and my skin was red.  By the time I woke Daniel and sent him off to the store for Benadryl, my mom was sending Harold over to watch the kids so Daniel could take me to the ER (Mom was headed to Pitt to be with grandpa).  By the time we got the ER my tongue was swollen, my skin was red and hot with welts, my whole face was swollen, and my hands.  They gave me an IV of Benadryl, epinephrine, and steroids, and after my looks returned to normal, we headed home for me to sleep off the Benadryl.  Our plan for a nice morning at church was ruined. 

The next few days continued as planned, with a few changes here and there because of Grampa's hospitalization.  Additionally, Hazel was sent home from preschool with suspicion of pink eye.  We began treating her immediately, praying that it wouldn't spread to the rest of the family. Carver's birthday party was wonderful and we had a lot of fun with everyone.  Despite being with my grampa at the hospital all day, my mom and her husband, Harold, took the kids overnight for us. We had a wonderful evening together.

Happy First Birthday, Carver B!!!

The next few days we celebrated Christmas with Daniel's family; it was really nice to have us all together again.  Christmas morning was fantastic; the kids had a blast, especially because Daddy was home to enjoy it all with us.
 

Christmas day we went to Aunt Holly's; she and her fiance Sean slaved over Christmas dinner for us, despite all the time they had been traveling back and forth from the hospital. Though we all enjoyed family time, there was a heavy cloud over us with grampa in the hospital.  We weren't sure of the details of Grampa's injury.  One moment the doctors were saying that they expected a good recovery, despite Grampa being confused and combative.  Next, there were great concern that brain surgery could be just around the corner.  My devoted mom and Harold left our Christmas gathering early and rushed back down to the hospital to see Grampa for Christmas, whether Grampa could realize it or not.  Finally, Christmas day ended with exchanging gifts and sharing the Christmas story with Daniel's family.

Merry Christmas!

I struggled through leave to celebrate and enjoy being with Daniel knowing that Grampa was in the hospital and all of my family was scurrying around trying to care for him as best as they could.  There was a lot of guilt at not going to be with him myself, even while others assured me that my place was with Daniel and the kids.  Finally, though, things looked to be on the up with grampa.  They were sending him back to our local hospital to start therapy now that he was stabilized.

Despite all the craziness with grampa, my gracious mom and Harold had Daniel, myself and the kids over for dinner so we could all exchange gifts.  After gifts and dinner, we spent time playing with Julian's new nerf guns.  It was a lot of family fun. 


The following day was Great Wolf Lodge, so we headed home to pack up and prepare for our trip.  I know some of the details of my sharing are tedious, but someday, I want to look back and remember all that leave was, despite the way it felt at the moment - but more about that tomorrow. 

The Month-Long Week

I hoped, prayed and begged that this week would come, and all along, while praying, and begging, and hoping, I suspected that it would be a week that would drag on forever.  Like the week before Christmas, or the week before vacation, or the week before the due date of your third child who is pressing heavily on your sciatic nerve and keeping you awake with bathroom breaks and baby hiccups...yeah, like that one.  A day feels like a week, and the week itself feels like it will go on for AT LEAST a month.  And all the while I keep telling myself, "You've already survived 35 weeks of him being gone; what's one more?"  Ugh, it feels like everything.

I think what I hate the most about the entire "waiting" process is that I don't know exactly what it is that I'm waiting for.  Well, I know WHAT it is I'm waiting for - a dramatic spectacle of a reunion in the middle of the airport, an emotional rejoining of my husband with my children, a much-needed vacation as a family, just one full night of sleep since having Carv, and doing something more exciting than folding clothes in the bedroom.  ;)

Ok, so back to waiting - Daniel is currently at Bagram Airfield, and then has two more steps before making it to Pitt.   His goal, our goal, is for him to make it on the 14th - sooner will send him back too closely to Christmas and later, well, later just sucks.  And we go on vacay on Tuesday, so some down time before then would be nice.  So all the stars, airplanes, and time-zones must align to get Daniel on an available plane when need be.  All of this being said, my controlling side is in misery that I don't have a concrete plan for the next week, except that tomorrow and Wednesday morning I'm completing my last two days of student teaching...unless D comes home early...then I'm skipping.

Student teaching...heavens, I can't believe I've come to the end.  I'm a little heartbroken, and surprised to be so.  I'm going to miss my seniors.  I'm going to miss starting out each day with a clear mission in mind.  I'm going to miss that feeling of WORTH.  However, it isn't all bad.  I'm excited to sleep past 5am again, and excited to spend more time with my children than the daycare teachers do.  Oh, and that whole graduation and the prospect of a paying job in the future is exciting.

So that's where we are right now.  In limbo, waiting.  After all, it wouldn't seem right if we weren't yielding all of our plans for this Army life.

It's always surprising to me when my ache to have him home with us suddenly collides with my fear for him, and it all takes my breath away.  It's the worst when he's on mission - those moments happen often then.  Tonight I was doing that thing I try really hard not to do - peeking out through my front door window to be sure that the car parked across the street wasn't holding a uniformed officer that was about to bring me the worst news of my life - sometimes I'm really dramatic. When the car drove off and I thought I had my bearings, I turned from the door and my eyes met Daniel's wedding ring, hanging on the carabiner by the front door where he'd left it 6 1/2 months ago for safe keeping.  Tonight, for whatever reason, I just had to hold it.  And in that moment, I could see it on his finger, and I needed to have that hand in mine.  I slipped the ring off of the carabiner and pushed it onto my thumb.  I have a feeling it's found a new home for now.  Little moments like this will suddenly overwhelm me, and then it will be over, and I'll move on through my day, or in this case my evening, until the next moment strikes.

The last six weeks of student teaching have gone in a whirlwind.  Which is good; I was hoping life would sail by once I started.  I have only 9 weeks to go, and then D will be home for RandR!!!  Today I booked our mini family vacay for while he's home.  It felt good to plan something with his presence in mind.

Carver is growing like crazy and loving daycare, even despite all of the germs he's collecting.  The poor baby is on steroids for croup now.  But he's still his happy self, and he's been sharing a room with J for a week now.  Julian seems to enjoy having a roomie, and Carv is sleeping great in there - and I'm sleeping great in my room! 

Julian feels mostly unconcerned about school.  He neither loves it or hates it.  Hazel says she dislikes preschool, and she spent the first few weeks crying everyday.  Now she just whines about it, but she always comes home happy.  The adjustments have been the hardest on her, and I try to keep that in mind amongst her fits and tantrums.  This too shall pass...

God, protect him always.

That Thing that Makes the Tears Comes

It's been a long week, and a rough weekend!  Last Monday I began my student teaching at my Alma-mater.  It was a great week in that I LOVE the potential of everything ahead of me.  I'm enjoying "playing" teacher right now, and I'm excited to get into taking over the classes.  I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of it all, but I feel that I'll pour myself into it, knowing that this will directly mold my future with Daniel and the kids.

Oh, Daniel.  How I miss that man!  I thought that being busy might help distract me, and it does while I'm moving, but at night, when the calmness settles around me and exhaustion sets in, I miss him and ache for him like never before.  Making the situation worse, changes are being made with the details of his deployment and he will be unable to contact me for long periods of time for the foreseeable future.  That's an incredibly hard concept to swallow, as we have been so spoiled in our communication.  We have talked, in one way or another, at least every couple days, if not more.  Talking on the phone, chatting on FB, skyping and even emailing all made him feel so much closer than the other side of the world.  I'm praying that this lack of contact will be short-lived.

Thursday afternoon I picked Carv up from daycare with the sniffles.  Now let me just say that Carver and Hazel have NEVER been in daycare until this last week, and Julian was there as a young toddler, but only b/c I was also working there at the daycare.  So having them there, especially Carver, is difficult.  Anyway, the baby comes home with the sniffles and I just know that he obviously got it from daycare, but what are you going to do?  We all have to build up our immunities, and that's to be expected.  Then, around 10 that night, Carv gets really fussy and won't go back to sleep.  Then the fever comes, and it stays...and stays and stays and stays.  Finally, at 2am, a cool bath broke it, and he fell asleep.  When he rewoke at 430 the fever was back, and I knew daycare wouldn't take him with a fever.  I made a really difficult decision to call my cooperating teacher and let her know that I wasn't going to be able to go in.  She was so incredible about it, and I know it's another BIG "small" way that God is taking care of us. 
Because I have to pay for Hazel whether she's at daycare or not, I took her in, got Julian onto the bus, and came home and called my Aunt Sue, who happened to be home that day.  She and my uncle gladly took my sick little bubba, and I made it to school before lunch, only missing one class.  My cooperating teacher was impressed, and I am so GRATEFUL to my aunt and uncle!!!

The rest of the weekend was a blur of Hazel and I additionally getting sick, and we ended up crashing at my aunt and uncle's all weekend, letting them take care of all of us.  My aunt made us homemade chicken noodle soup and took care of Carver, my mother in law let me sleep in while she woke up with C, and my mom took the older two last night, and Carv and I got lots of rest.   What could have been a HORRID weekend was saved by my amazing family.  I am so incredibly blessed!!!

Tonight, after things had calmed down and I was getting dinner ready for the kids, I finally shed my tears.  I hadn't cried in the middle of the night Thursday when I was beyond exhausted and my poor little baby was sicker than I had ever seen a baby.  I didn't cry when, after just two hours of sleep, I crawled out of bed and figured out all by myself how to get everyone where they needed to be.  I didn't cry when my Aunt Sue took Carver without any hesitation and cared for him like he was her own.  I didn't cry when my own fever crept in, right along with Hazel's.  I didn't cry when my mother in law let me sleep in the next morning and rocked the baby to sleep that night so I could have a break.  I didn't cry when my mom took the older two, making my burden all the lighter.  I didn't cry when Carver learned to give kisses without me.  I didn't cry when Aunt Sue made me homemade chicken noodle soup.  I didn't even cry when Daniel told me he was moving and I wouldn't talk to him for perhaps weeks - Heavens knows I wanted to.  But tonight, when I asked Julian what he wanted for dinner, I cried.  My little J said, "Whatever Hazel wants.  I want it to be easy for you."  Oh my sweet baby.  That boy takes weight on for me in ways I don't realize, and he takes care of me.  I love that boy.  Oh, how I pray I'm not screwing him up. 

Tomorrow we start a new week, perhaps not hearing from Daniel.  But we'll be ok, because God has shown Himself as faithful.

Blah Blah Blah

I am in a big time slump.  I'm not really sure where it came from; it just suddenly seemed to sneak up and drag me to the very bottom of the barrel to hide out until it's over.  Until what's over?  Yeah, I'm not really sure.  I'm going to have to come up for air long before this deployment is over, far before school starts, and even before the end of the week - by morning would be convenient. 
My first clue that my slump was coming was my longing to just stay in fricken bed.  I have no motivation for anything.  I don't want to exercise.  I certainly don't want to eat right.  I don't want to brush Hazel's hair.  I don't want to grocery shop.  I don't want to put the dishes in the dishwasher.  I don't even want to shower.  I just want to be.  I'm even having a hard time talking with Daniel on the phone.  I miss him so, so much, and yet when he calls, I don't have much to say, and just talking seems like a chore.  Again, not because I don't want to, but b/c it just feels overwhelming.
Hoping tomorrow is a better day...

Prone To Wander

"Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love!"

Oh, I am so prone to wander.  I am so prone to be so consumed in all my troubles that they overwhelm me, they sink me, and I wander into a dangerous land.  I wander into the land of "it isn't fair" and "I deserve better!"  Oh, what a dangerous place to visit, and what an even more dangerous place to stay over!  I tried to keep my visit short this time, only wallowing in the cave of self-pity for a short time. 

I need to try to recognize more often how lucky and blessed I am.  Today was a friend's bridal shower, and I am one of her bridesmaids.  It was a really busy weekend, and I often felt like I was running and running to keep up with everything.  I missed Carver terribly, as though he was with me, I wasn't getting any cuddle time in.  All that said, I could NOT have made it through without my mom.  She was so helpful with the kids.  She took Hazel and J last night for me, and today at the shower she watched both Hazel and Carv, while Harold was so wonderful to keep J.  Then, she brought them home for me so that I could stay and help clean up. 
This past week, my mother in law gave me three hours of sleeping in one morning as my "father's day" gift.  It was wonderful!  Plus, she kept Carver in the evening so that I could do some shopping for the shower. 
My cousin Samantha was a wonderful help, helping out with the kids, going with me while I ran them back and forth to VBS, and even keeping me company one night and then cleaning up my house the next morning.  I have SO much help!!!, so why is it so easy for Satan to sweep in and knock my legs out from under me? 

In addition to all the help I receive, I'm also grateful for my kids.  It is so, so easy for me to complain about them, and it's even easier for me to dwell on the responsibility that is wrapped up with each one of them.  I'm going to make a conscious effort this week to FOCUS on the amazingness of my kids.  The way they make me laugh, the things they teach me, the joy that they are.  This year would undoubtedly be easier if I had no children, but it would also be lonelier and would drag by terribly. 

"Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above!"

Overwhelmed

When I started this blog, I thought it would be a great venue to vent, to share, and to mark our story as we trudge through it.  I've found, though, that I've been really careful about what exactly I say and what mood I am in before I write.  I guess that really isn't giving a clear portrayal, though, so tonight I'm going to vent a little.

The Kids

I'm really struggling.  I feel like I'm in way over my head, and it's only going to get worse.  The kids are burning me out, or maybe have burnt me out.  Hazel especially.  I have never in my life met such a demanding child.  I love her so, so much, but 95% of the time parenting her makes me want to just cry.  She is so mean to me, she is so needy, she is so difficult, she is so EXHAUSTING!!!  Carver is an amazing baby, and most of the time he is really, really good.  But he is, after all, a baby, which has demands all its own.  He still gets up at least three times a night, sometimes more, and I feel like if I could just get three straight hours of uninterrupted sleep just a few times in a row I just might be ok.  And poor Julian, in all the demands to the other two, gets shoved to the background.  He doesn't get enough quality time, I'm hard on him, and I feel like I'm ruining him.  I feel like I'm ruining them all.  Oh, and I feel like the whole world is judging me while I do it.

Obligations

I have stretched myself beyond my own comfort level, and yet I know that all this is nothing compared to when I begin student teaching in the Fall.  I am helping with two weddings, keeping up with normal housework, writing papers, studying for my Praxis exams, and daily lecturing myself for not going to the gym...again!  Deep, deep down, somewhere where sane Sabrina is hiding, I know that many people have MANY more responsibilities than I do right now.  But for whatever reason, in this particular moment, it just feels like too much!!!

The Judgment

Oh, how I feel judged.  Being close to family is AMAZING and SO HELPFUL, but it also gives them a lot of opportunity to judge me on all my shit.  "Sabrina, your car is a mess; you should be embarrassed" (um, I wasn't until you said something - thanks!)."Did you get your car inspected yet?" "Sabrina, your garage still isn't completely unpacked?" "The kids are talking a lot about video games and war."  "Do you have a rich uncle who just died?  You're spending a lot of money."  "Why would you drag all the kids around all day?"  "Your dogs stink; when was the last time you bathed them?" "Did you brush Hazel's hair today?"   "No, seriously, your car is a mess."    And honestly, I feel like if I had just one full day and night of no parental responsibility, I could get it all done!

The Guilt

I always joke that I should have been Catholic because I always feel guilty about everything.  About my parenting, about the entirety of the undone list above, and now, about complaining about my life.  I am so, so blessed.  I know this; truly I do.  I am blessed that my husband will be back in 10 months, and I am blessed that, even from across the ocean, I have his support.  I have a dear friend who's husband was taken from her, another wonderful friend who is in the throes of divorce.  I know that I am blessed to only be a single mom for this next year, and I do feel guilty for feeling like this, but right now I can't help but feel sorry for myself.  And to be honest, I feel BITTER against those who have their husbands by their sides.

I know this is a phase.  I know that, maybe even as soon as tomorrow, I'll be ok and ready to take on the world again, but tonight, and for the past couple weeks, I'm just feeling trampled and a little broken. 

The New Normal

Daniel has been gone for over seven weeks, and in Afghanistan for nearly a month.  In some moments, it feels like the time has gone by so quickly, and we are just getting started.  But in many moments, especially at night, when I think of the numbers, I know that I have to do "this" 11 more times before he's home, and it takes my breath away. 

I don't know how people do this without family around them.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by family that loves me and my kids.  Last week I had a terrible stomach bug, and though it was still really difficult without Daniel, family swept in and helped out.  In the middle of last night, I thought I heard someone in the house, and my mom was here within minutes to check on me.  It makes the year feel so bearable.  Lately the kids and I have been struggling to get along.  Especially Hazel and I.  She is so stubborn, and there is no simple key to pleasing her - not even a "difficult" key; the same thing never works on her twice.  If I'm mean, she throws a fit; if I'm sweet to her, she takes advantage and bosses me.  I've tried being more consistent in punishment, and it really seems to make no difference.  But last night before bed I tried to remember how blessed I am to have each one of them.  I feel like for the past 7 weeks I've been thinking, "If I can just get a break from all 3 kids, I could breath!"  This is my reality, and I need to be grateful that I have my babies to keep me company, make me laugh, keep me busy, and serve as a moment by moment reminder of all that God has given to Daniel and I.

Daniel seems to be doing really well.  He's been in something of a holding time since he arrived in country, waiting to be sent to his unit; that should be happening soon.  The fact concerns me.  On my end it's been very easy so far in that he's calling most days, and chatting on facebook with me a couple times a day.  Knowing he's training and just hanging out on a nice, "safe" installation brings me comfort.  I wonder about where my imagination will go once he's truly "working.". 

I sent my first package to him two weeks ago and it arrived within a week; I'm so impressed with the mail system.  For anyone looking to send regular care packages to soldiers, I have to suggest ordering the large priority boxes from usps.com.  They are free to order, and then, no matter how heavy, they are only $13-something to send to a soldier.  I couldn't believe how easy the process was, and how fast it reached him.  Sending him care packages is a  nice way to feel like I have a little control over his conditions over there.  I have two more ready to go as soon as I get his new address. 

For those of you who may be dropping by and don't know my Daniel and his mwd, Bony, here they are.  I'm so proud!  :)

He's Leaving on a Jet Plane...

Daniel left for Afghanistan in the middle of the night.  It was rough to wake up and know that he was halfway around the world.  Worse now is not knowing exactly where he is and when I'll hear from him.  I'm fearful of the secrets that this year is still hiding from us, but I'm calmer than I expected to be.  This evening I was remembering when Daniel left for Korea.  I was a few months pregnant with our first child, who is now 6.  When I finally got the call from Daniel that he had arrived safely in Korea, I cried all night long.  God has brought me a long way since then.  I'm not the newbie Army wife that I once was, but it still burns like it did back then.  I'm exhausted from caring for all three kids on my own, but I am so grateful for them - for obvious reasons, and also because they fill my days and make sleep so alluring at night. 

We had a really amazing weekend together and I don't at all regret going.  The goodbye was uneventful - we parted in a Sheetz parking lot.  How dramatic can that possibly be?  And he made me drive off first, which was good because you can't sob and drive safely, so the tears were minimal.  The weekend was filled with a lot of "normal", and it was fantastic.

Normal followed us into our conversation last night as well.  It was difficult last night to know how to talk and what to say, and so we filled one another in on very normal happenings.  I felt like I needed to be on the phone with him as much as possible, but there was only so much to say.  We are best friends, and I don't think much goes unsaid between us.  Therefore, what's left to say in those "final" moments before he goes?  Not much, except I love you, I love you, I love you.  No matter how many times I hear it or say it, it's never enough.  Can't wait to hear it again. 

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Well, Daniel has been gone for nearly 3 weeks now, and I'm proud to say we are surviving!  Shout out to Delta Airlines!  Saying goodbye to him at the airport was sooo much easier because of Delta.  They gave me a gate pass to take him all the way to his gate.  I even got to stand and watch his plane take off.  It was great closure to not just watch him walk away from me in the middle of a busy airport.  I was able to watch him board and fly off, then was able to sit with my Carver and collect myself before leaving.  Props to Delta for being SO amazing!  We will absolutely fly with them again!

 So, since I had such a fantastic goodbye experience, I thought I'd do it again.  Yes, I'm a sucker for self torture.  Daniel has been in New Jersey these past 3 weeks waiting for a flight out.  That flight is now set for a week from today.  I'm eager for him to go, as the faster he goes, the faster he returns.  Obviously, though, there are normal concerns with him being in Afghanistan.  Because he has been in Jersey for so long, we have arranged to meet up tomorrow afternoon and spend the weekend together.  I have a lot of mixed feelings about this opportunity.  Clearly I miss him and want to see him.  My fears lie in the fact that I have adjusted to him being gone, I have dealt with a sad goodbye, and I am surviving.  I have worries that I'm going to, in a sense, start the process all over and lose the momentum I've gained.  I'm HOPING that instead it rejuvenates me and, since he isn't coming home but we are meeting in a neutral place, going back to doing things solo will not be overly complicated.  I'll be sure to rate my misery for all my faithful readers once the torture process is complete.  :) 

I thought I would close this post by showing just a few ways in which God has really been showing me His faithfulness these past weeks. 
~I normally HATE staying home alone, and yet not one night have I been fearful being alone.  God has given us such a comfortable, safe home, and it has made all the difference. 
~We have survived a holiday without Daniel already; Easter was enjoyable, though I of course felt sorry for Daniel, celebrating solo with Bony. 
~The kids have had a difficult time adjusting.  By this I mean they have been royal brats.  :)  I am so grateful that I have family who has been so helpful with them.  The kids are coming around and starting to adjust (hence the reason Carver and I are the only ones going to visit Daniel!)
~I have been given confidence in new found independence.  I have set mouse traps (after my amazing cousin and her boyfriend came in the middle of the night to confirm its existence), changed smoke detector batteries, taken out the garbage each week, taken a successful road trip, dealt with a dead car battery (not exactly alone because my wonderful aunt and uncle rescued me!), and today I locked myself out of the house, to be rescued by my mom, who happened to be home from work this morning.  Her being home was such a huge blessing considering that I had locked my phone in the house and was in sweatpants and a tshirt (with no bra), unbrushed teeth and hair, and no coat.  Having to go to her work to get the spare key would have been incredibly humiliating!
~I'm looking forward to God showing His faithfulness to us again and again through this year. 

The Last Resort

I have avoided this post as long as possible.  The post where I will share that the "idea of the lasts" is not just creeping in, but becoming overwhelming.  We are officially one week out from Daniel leaving to go back to Bragg, and then on to Afghanistan within the few days that follow.  Therefore, this is our last Saturday night together until at least mid-tour.  Tomorrow is our last Sunday morning together.  Wednesday we will watch our last episodes of our favorites, The Middle and Modern Family.  I hate the way this knowledge blankets every little moment, making me constantly wonder if the very thing we are doing is our last until he returns. 

On top of that is the fear that what if this is our true last.  That thought creeps in throughout the day and night and steals my breath before I even realize I'm thinking of it...though in a way I'm always thinking of it.  It is always in the back of my mind, to the point that he feels so incredibly mortal to me that I find myself growing nervous every time he goes to the store, picks up Julian from school, or simply leaves my side.  It's a quiet kind of worry.  It's not the kind that makes me comment aloud, and I don't think it necessarily causes me to outwardly act any differently.  It just breaks my heart...and encourages my prayer life.

Last week Daniel and I bought a little sign for our bedroom that says, "The Last Resort".  Our room has a beachy theme to it, and so we liked the play on words with the idea of a "resort".  Then, somewhere between bringing it home and putting it in it's place, I feared that it was some sort of bad omen.  Like "The Last Resort" insinuated a more final "last".  Oh, how the mind is a cruel thing in the face of  a feared situation.  So in an attempt to alleviate my sudden hatred for the adorable little decor, I made Daniel promise to write me an encouraging message on the bottom of it.  If that doesn't make me feel better, I may have to move the little thing to the closet.

I am very happy to say that in spite of the little sign, we are settling rather nicely into our new home.  I feel very comfortable here, and will soon post more pictures of the house.  I need to finish a couple boxes for the kitchen, and I still need to tackle the kids' rooms, but everything is coming together nicely.  

I needed to write this post to admit to myself how I'm feeling, I guess.  I can only think of one other occassion in my life when I didn't want to talk through a problem.  Typically I am the type who likes to pour out all my thoughts and feelings, and so it scares me a little that I want to avoid any conversation about his leaving.  Maybe it's the fear of saying my concerns aloud?  Or admitting that he is really, truly going?  The main reason for this blog, however, was to have a place to store and dump such feelings, so I hope I feel better after signing off tonight.  If nothing else, I can climb into bed with my husband in our mostly unpacked, decorated, put together bedroom.

Far from my last,
Sabrina

Virginia is for Lovers

We "should" have been waking up in Pa this morning, but it wasn't to be.  Instead we are in Lynchburg, Va, with six hours of trip ahead of us.  We were wanting to clear housing Thursday morning, but they refused to do it without Daniel's orders.  Without his orders, they were going to charge us an entire additional 30 days of rent.  So we waited...and waited...and waited.  Through this waiting it was HARD to keep the love dare going.  Daniel and I were both irritable, and I was trying to put my best foot forward and be calm and sweet.  I let a couple moments get the best of me, but I think overall I did better than I might have normally.  Daniel might not agree...

Today's dare is to greet him in a way that isn't typical and that shows my love for him.  I have six hours of driving to Pa to plot how to greet him when we get there...  appropriate suggestions welcome.  :)

Last night we made it about 4 hours and needed to stop b/c of the rain and darkness - I can't see worth anything in the rain and dark when driving.  So today I'm  praying for clear vision, focused mind, and easy traveling!  So excited to finally get into Pa, though I'm fearful that once we are there I'll feel more like the clock is ticking on our time together.  More on that another day.

Double Dog Dare Ya

I'm writing from the comfort of a hotel room with my three babies asleep around me (finally!).  It's as if they all gave in at once and tuckered out within just a couple of minutes of each other.  My incredibly amazing husband is finishing up some stuff at the house.  For some reason, we always have a ridiculous amount of garbage every time we move.  By the time I get to day three or four of packing, I start just throwing things into the garbage piles.  Then, by the end, we have garbage galore.  So tonight, after spending the day loading the moving truck and helping me clean, Daniel is dealing with the garbage and packing his military gear.  It is in these "little" ways that I am reminded how good I have it! 

As we've been packing and focusing on this move the last few days, I've also been doing The Love Dare.  If you have never heard of it, it's an amazing book that challenges couples (or just one partner) to show love to their spouse in different ways for 40 days.  This is the second time I've done the dare.  I felt that with Daniel preparing to leave it would be a "fun" way to show him my love and gratitude for the husband that he is.  I'm ashamed to say that Daniel is naturally more selfless and loving than I am, and this book makes me consciously consider my words/thought/actions/attitude towards him throughout the day.  For the first few days of the dare I could say nothing negative to him.  When we are stressed and moving and packing and with each other constantly, that is HARD!  This time doing the dare I told him about it in advance, whereas before I kept it a secret.  It has been fun this time to discuss it together.  Yesterday my dare was to not act irritable in any way.  I am generally irritable.  Lol.  So to not be irritable when we were doing so much packing felt impossible.  But I was amazed at how easy it was after a few days of the dare and focusing my prayers on being loving towards Daniel.  I'll continue to mention how the dare is going throughout the duration.

Once Daniel leaves, I think I'm going to configure the dare to do it towards Julian and Hazel.  I should have plenty of time to dwell on it during the next couple days, as we are beginning our drive to Pa tomorrow.  I'm anxious about the trip, as I will be driving one of our vehicles.  This is definitely a first.  The furthest distance I have ever driven is 3 hours; the entirety of this trip is 10.  So in an effort to be a brave big girl, I'm doing the grown up thing and driving one of the cars to Pa.  God grant me the...well, everything.  So far it looks like He's granting me a lot of wonderful in regards to weather, and I'm grateful!  I think this trip could be an encouragement to me on the idea of surviving this next year while Daniel is in Afghanistan.
 
I'm not feeling ready to deal with my feelings on Afghanistan.  I have a lot of fears, and it's not that I'm in denial, but I'm having a hard time imagining how it's going to be with him gone for so long.  Although we have been separated for such a long time before, we are more "us" than we were then.  I pray this is going to bring us closer in the long run.  Ultimately I pray for his safe return.
Well, for the last time, at least for awhile, love from NC!

Comrades

A lot has been happening these past few weeks, and I am, as always, overwhelmed by the goodness of our God.  Last Monday, after daniel had returned from certification, we were informed that his deployment was being moved up a month.  Since he was already deploying in less than 2 months, moving it up a month was kind of a big deal.  Daniel's kennel master called us in to discuss the change.  I'll be honest - I thought I knew how this conversation would go.  "Mrs. Sandoval, this isn't our fault, it's the fault of someone much more important than me.  If I could help I would.  This is how the Army is sometimes.  Blah Blah Blah."  I nestled onto the couch in the kennels day room, took a deep breath, and practiced my "this is my happy attitude" face.  My practiced expression was quickly replaced with surprise when Webster, the kennel master, instead asked, "What do you need from me?"
"Uh..."
"I want to help you prepare a plan to take to the commander, and then to battalion and brigade," he explained.  "Lets find a date that works for everyone."
I was shocked, astounded, and a number of other synonyms for surprise.  With Daniel and Web, we created a plan that would allow us our 30 days of leave as a family, give us time to settle into our new home as a family of five, and have daniel in country at a time that would please everyone.  The friendliness and kindness from Web was something I had never encountered so easily with chain of command, and I am so incredibly grateful.


A TRIBUTE

DIANE

Also last week, I was surprised when my childhood best friend asked if she could come visit.  She flew in Thursday morning and we had a wonderful long weekend catching up.  Diane and I ventured through a lot together growing up.  We went from playing barbies, to boy talk, to weddings, to babies. She reminded me how blessed I am to have friends from all around the country, and her very presence made me think of all the friends I have made with each move. 

 LESLIE

Leslie was my very first Army friend.  Her husband, Josh, worked with Daniel, and I met them within days of arriving at Fort Leonard Wood, just after Daniel and I were married.  She took me under her wing and taught me so much.  We had sleepovers when our husband were away, we shopped together, cried together, fumed together, laughed together.  She was my best friend.  When our husbands both went to Korea, I even stayed with Leslie for some of the time.  This past July, she lost her husband in Afghanistan.  Even in her grief, she continues to teach me about strength, grace, and life.  I am so honored to have such a beautiful woman as my friend.

JOLENE

I met Jolene within a couple months of moving to Fort Campbell.  I was in search of my Leslie replacement at our new duty station, and after leaving a dinner party at Jolene's I told Daniel, "I found my Leslie".  Like Les, she was more knowledgeable about everything - the military, marriage, raising children, and just life.  We were inseparable, and when her husband deployed, I felt that Jolene and her two girls became an extension of our family.  Leaving her when we moved on was achingly hard for me.  I still consider her one of my best friends, though life has gotten in the way as of late and we talk less often that we'd like.

HEATHER

It took a long time to find my Leslie-Jolene when we moved into the recruiting world.  We were no longer surrounded by other army families who understood the need to make friends quickly and intensely.  I met Heather at a Bible Study more than 6 months after we moved to the area.  Until that time, I had essentially been friendless.  I had a few people who were friendly to me, but no one that I could confide in, celebrate with.  No one to provide playmates for my kids.  I was the loneliest I had ever been.  When Heather took me in as a friend, our recruiting town became home.  Heather also taught me a lot through our laughter and tears.  She taught me a lot about motherhood, and a great deal about living life as a christian mom and wife.  Together we took on the children's program at church, and we became incredibly close.  Today, she is still the person I go to on a daily basis for friendship, advice, laughter and sympathy.  I miss her terribly.

JESSICA

I met Jessica the day her husband returned from Afghanistan.  There was a homecoming at the kennels, and because we were new to Fort Bragg, I wanted to go along with the hope of meeting people. As most military friendships go, we bonded quickly.  Because our husband's mostly work the same schedule, we have a lot of opportunity to simply hang out together.  She was a comfort when I was expecting our third child in a foreign place to us, and she has been a wealth of knowledge and help related to fort Bragg and Daniel's upcoming deployment.  Even upon leaving, I know her friendship will be one that will continue despite the distance.

Considering the best friends God has given me along the way is a comfort with this move and daniel's deployment approaching.  He has shown faithful with each move that He will not only provide my needs, but He provides comfort and friendship each time.  While I may feel that my world is upside down, I know He is a friend who cares and is going to provide for me, for Daniel, for the kids. It's those little assurances that are so comforting right now.